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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26967247">puffing with the dragons</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempted/pseuds/tempted'>tempted</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependency, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Euphoria AU, Eventual Happy Ending, High School, Inspired by Euphoria (TV 2019), Jaemin is a good boyfriend, Jeno is best boy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, despite the tags, not really angsty ??, renjun is trying his best, they are seniors and above !!!, unbeta’d if there are typos mark lee did it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:13:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>38,312</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26967247</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempted/pseuds/tempted</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s undeniable that high school experiences wildly differ from person to person. Renjun learns the meanings of love, addiction and devastation in his.</p><p> </p><p>  <em>or</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>(Renjun’s in love with his addiction, Jaemin is tied between choosing the luxuries of money or the comfort of love, and Jeno is hopelessly weak for the both of them and their vices. Needless to say, the relationship is deadly.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>88</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>welcome to my first chaptered project in two years !!!!!!</p><p>I was rewatching euphoria and my brain instantly imagined Renjun in every single fking scene, especially the all for is performance and thus, this was born.</p><p>pls enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it !!!</p><p>tw: drug addiction, underage drug use, very minor suicidal ideation in the middle</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Renjun probably should be making an honest effort to stay clean. It’s what a good person would do.</p><p>If it were entirely up to him, he wouldn’t even be in this predicament in the first place and having his morals questioned, seeing as there is absolutely no way he would have allowed himself to be carted away to <em>rehab</em> on his own volition. Regardless of what happened last summer, Renjun doesn’t think having to spend six weeks in living hell on earth was fair in the slightest.</p><p>Still, conveniently ignoring the fact that he was forced to go against his will, he has his whole livelihood riding on this, on staying clean.</p><p>His family’s entire happiness depends on this commitment. Only, he has absolutely no intention of staying clean, even though he has plenty of reasons to at least <em>try</em>. The self admission comes with a pang of suppressed guilt and a strange flicker of regret before Renjun wills it away. He never allows those kind of feelings to linger for very long. </p><p>Reasons. Reasons to live, reasons to get clean, reasons to try. Distantly, Renjun recalls being told that one’s reasons to live are often synonymous with their reasons to die. He’d never quite understood what that meant until recently.</p><p><em>Purpose</em>, they had stressed in rehab, the key to making it out of addiction alive. During his stay, Renjun found that endless days of boring routine, unwilling sobriety and stupid shock therapy exercises  tend to force you to contemplate over things a lot to keep your mind busy, otherwise you ran the legitimate risk of going insane. </p><p>Purpose was a strange concept to think about, one that’s meaning can completely shift depending on exactly who you decide to ask. <em>Everybody has at least one</em>, they’d said, over and over again.</p><p>Renjun may be the best example of that message, but also the largest contradiction. He arguably has many purposes, many reasons to try and stay clean but over the course of his life, he’s found that most people, contrary to the false personas they maintain in order to barely keep up in today’s productive society, in fact, don’t actually feel a significant purpose in life and, honestly, he doesn’t blame them. </p><p>Life can be really fucking hard.</p><p>Even though everyone says the stark opposite, about how this is his <em>prime</em>, when you’re his age, there’s nothing much to look forward to except failed relationships, strained friendships, an addiction of some sorts, and dreaded exams upon exams, upon exams.</p><p>There’s no substantial anticipation for the <em>real world</em>, as they put it, but since it’s unspoken of to desire to have desires, most people mask it with faux wild dreams and hopeless aspirations because no one wants to be without goals, directionless, <em>purposeless</em>.</p><p>Yet, unexpectedly and contrary to his depressing outlook on life, Renjun has a genuine purpose; something to care about, to look forward to, to protect.</p><p>(No, it’s not the fucking drugs, before any of the numerous assholes in his life try to pull that one.)</p><p>Mondays and mornings are the two of the worst things in the world, in Renjun’s opinion. The most dreaded day of the week, marking the beginning of tedious torture, and that time that forces him to open his eyes and deal with yet another day, so it’s always incredibly enjoyable when they’re combined. Renjun cannot contain himself with excitement. </p><p>Mornings are always difficult, his lows always reaching plummeting depths as soon as he wakes up, amplifying whatever withdrawal symptoms he’s currently suffering at the cold hands of that specific morning. His own palms instantly itch with the urge to pop open his favourite inconspicuous bottle cap. If he could sleep for another fifteen years, he would.</p><p>Over the past few years Renjun thinks he’s quite mastered the art of concealing the telltale click of the bathroom cabinets creaking open with a plethora of imaginative distractions. </p><p>As a teenage drug addict who lives with his parents, it goes without saying that all medication is stored precisely where Renjun isn’t meant to be able to access without alerting a family member, though an indicative noise or the chime of a phone alert, but as things typically go when you’re a teenager, he’s found numerous ways around the preemptive measures taken against his bad habits.</p><p>It’s easiest in the mornings when he’s up hours before everyone else, where he doesn’t have to knowingly disappoint, where he doesn’t have to worry about the influence he’s setting for Chenle, his younger brother; his purpose. His hands shake as he grabs the handle, flushing toilet at the exact moment he pulls the cabinet door open.</p><p>There’s nothing there but his mother’s xanax prescription. Benzos in general are typically his second drug of choice and pills always take longer for the effect to settle, but it’ll have to do for now. </p><p>-</p><p>“You haven’t eaten yet.” Renjun’s mother calls out from the kitchen, dragging him out of the trenches of his own thoughts just as he’s pulling his hood over his head and grabbing his keys.</p><p>He makes a strange dismissive noise and hopes some sort of message is conveyed but makes no move to grab anything she’s prepared, muttering something about eating at school before gently nudging his brother so they can leave. </p><p>Renjun wouldn’t have offered to accompany Chenle to his first day of high school on any other occasion, but just returning from rehab the week before after a frightening overdose leaves you with restricted access to the outdoors and very little selective choice in the drug avenue, which Renjun is not ready to abide by. He needs an excuse to get out of the house.</p><p>He’s sure Jaemin’s missed him anyway.</p><p>Renjun’s good for business.</p><p>-</p><p>They’ve known each other since they were preteens, stark memories of Jaemin being a year older than Renjun and achieving impossible, thirteen year old feats all throughout middle school that Renjun desperately envied him for, while he was stuck barely scraping decent grades in class and almost failing the running team tryouts though he was undoubtedly a skilled player. </p><p>Honestly speaking, Renjun could have probably come out top of his class and a talented player had he put in the necessary effort, but compared to his parents and teachers, Renjun was completely satisfied with simple mediocrity. He knows how terrible it sounds but he had other things to worry about. (Like the way fourteen year old Jaemin’s smile instantly made butterflies swarm in his stomach at every glance, or slightly more pressingly, how he quite literally wanted to die.)</p><p>He doesn’t care about the potential he holds, but has yet to unlock that he’s been reminded of his entire life. Now, he’s fucking eighteen and hooked on crushed pills; but then again, maybe this was what they were talking about. Potential. The overwhelming potential to do good things and soar to great heights, against the equal potential to succumb to the complete opposite.</p><p>The higher you go, the harder you’ll fall. Renjun almost laughs when he thinks about how applicable the saying is to almost every aspect of his life.</p><p>Now that Renjun thinks about it, Jaemin’s always been good at maintaining and managing his plethora of many talents and abilities. His skill set translates rather well into his questionable line of work that never blends into the wholesome, exemplary side of his life. </p><p>Honestly, Renjun isn’t sure how Jaemin manages to juggle his first year of stressful uni life and his lucrative side business at the same time. Renjun knows he could never.</p><p>Details. He doesn’t care anymore, he reminds himself by force. Jaemin’s managing to go to uni and as long as he’s also able to provide Renjun with every amphetamine he could ever wish for on the side, that’s all that really concerns him. Arguably, the childhood friends agenda fails to hold it’s sentimental weight when the main characters end up evolving into drug addict and drug dealer, but hey, Renjun thinks, at least they’re fated to be together.</p><p>It’s what he’s thinking about when he approaches Jaemin’s usual spot behind a small convenience store that somehow receives enough customers a day to still be running, making it a mysterious wonder how Jaemin still hasn’t been raided, or at least caught, but Renjun has long since learnt not to ask questions he doesn’t want the answers to. There’s probably an unsettling rhyme and reason to Jaemin’s incredible fortune and thrive.</p><p>Upon typing in the correct code to one of the vending machines, a second door unlocks, leading him into Jaemin’s home base, where his every sale and transaction takes place outside of his apartment. As Jaemin spots him and breaks out into a lazy charismatic grin, Renjun quietly wonders how their relationship would have turned out had they been in the alternate universes Chenle lives to divulge in, if their circumstances had been less dire. </p><p>Would they have been close friends, lovers? They’re certainly close, but it’s loosely guidelined by their unconventional relationship of drug addict and dealer. So would they really have been close friends, regardless? Renjun would like to think so. </p><p>He’s beginning to think that he wouldn’t mind someone like Jaemin and his affectionate hugs, meaningful words, had he been someone who was meant to be loved. Oh well.</p><p>Renjun barely needs to speak a word before Jaemin’s reaching into a black bag towards his right side and pulling out the colourful pills Renjun thought he was going insane without. He’s making grabby hands at the clear bag filled with his literal sanity, but Jaemin instantly snatches the packet away from his reach, eyebrow raised in slightly accusing confusion.</p><p>“I swear you just got out of rehab.” Jaemin says when Renjun nears, already pulling wads of cash out of his pocket in an attempt to accelerate the pace of their transaction. Logically, Jaemin is probably mentioning the terrible fate of his past six months out of genuine care and concern for his health, but Renjun has absolutely zero intentions of staying clean, and plans on making that crystal clear.</p><p>“I did.” Renjun states plainly, eyebrow raised to mirror his dealer’s expression, challenging Jaemin to challenge <em>him</em>. As always, he takes up the offer with a welcoming smile. </p><p>“Shouldn’t you be, like, praying right now?” Jaemin teases. To that, Renjun clasps his hands in a mocking praying gesture, immediately going to kick Jaemin’s shin in retaliation while he’s caught off guard, “There. Now give me my drugs.”</p><p>They’re laughing together, but there’s a moment where Renjun’s sure a strange expression of what he can only describe as <em>regret</em> flickers across his dealer’s face momentarily, but it’s gone as soon as it appears. He just shakes off the uncomfortable feeling that creeps down his spine at the revelation.</p><p>Jaemin ends up shaking his head softly, “you’re lucky I need the money or I wouldn’t be selling you shit.”</p><p>Literal milliseconds after his sentiment, Jaemin’s offering Renjun his associate’s newest concoction, a tangled collection of complicated scientific words Renjun has never heard of in his entire life. </p><p>All he catches are the words <em>psychedelic</em>, <em>similarities to LSD</em> and he’s sold, even though acid wouldn’t be his typical drug of choice for many complex reasons. (All involving the less than pleasant hallucinations he tends to experience; for Renjun, almost every acid trip is a bad acid trip. Maybe this time could be different.)</p><p>The exchange is as prompt as usual, and Renjun’s also happens to be feeling more lenient than typical, allowing Jaemin to place a loud kiss on his right cheek in appreciation for the stack of cash he’d just finished sliding into his back pocket.</p><p>Business with Jaemin always turns out fruitful.</p><p>-</p><p>After arriving home and collapsing on his bed, he wastes not a second in experimenting with his wonderful plethora of newly purchased pills and powders, except for the strange tablets Jaemin had slipped into their bargain because he definitely needs time to work up to those. He’s already ascending to what feels like another peacefully euphoric dimension, quiet and undisturbed.</p><p>He’s embracing his high in the privacy of his room when his peace is suddenly disturbed by painful realisation and coming to terms with the manner in which he’s fucked himself over by taking these drugs. He has a party to attend tonight, courtesy of Lee Donghyuck, who’d actually tried to dissuade Renjun from coming at first, on the reasonable basis that he’d just gotten out of rehab. </p><p>Still, though parties aren’t his typical scene, he needed a breath of fresh air and simple <em>excitement</em> after being cooped up in mock jail for six months. Donghyuck had ended up giving foolish pity on him, allowing him to attend on condition that he does absolutely no drugs, no exceptions. </p><p>Renjun knows that if he’s caught taking anything, he’s sure Donghyuck will have his head on a silver platter for display. For all of his threats though, Donghyuck is probably acutely aware there’s no chance he‘ll stay sober the entire night.</p><p>As for getting out of his house, Renjun absolutely cannot make it out for the entire night, nevertheless into Donghyuck’s party without a mandatory drug test, orchestrated by his loving mother.</p><p>Now, drug addiction has been around and illegal for a <em>long</em>time, so it’s to be expected that there are countless ways his generous predecessors have devised to beat a simple drug test. Obviously, the most logical method is to just stop doing drugs in general, however if you’re like Renjun, and does drugs without considering the ramifications of his actions, nor does he strategically plan his hits to correspond with the his plans, that’s generally a no-go.</p><p>The second method, also Renjun’s all time, absolute least favourite, is niacin. If you take a bunch of the white tablets and promptly down a couple gallons of water, you can effectively clear your system of any illegal substances in about three days. Quite a powerful tool in Renjun’s pocket, minus the potent negatives. Being, you will no doubt end up enduring the side effects of extreme nausea and dizziness, fatigue, vomiting and occasionally death.</p><p>It’s generally not a pleasant experience.</p><p>That’s why he’s decided to enact his third and final method, explaining why he is currently running the fastest he’s ever run to Mark’s house in order to make it back home within the ten minutes he’s been granted to ‘go to the shops’. </p><p>Instead of doing what he’s about to do, Renjun could probably get away with scrounging through the internet to find a quality bottle of synthetic urine, which is unlikely to work anyways but then the logistics come into play; it would never get here in time, temperature issues and the prices on each bottle are unthinkably outrageous, unhelpful when Renjun is a special case of totally broke. That leaves one, embarrassingly authentic option.</p><p>The real thing. Not his of course, if actually passing the fucking test happens to be the end goal, but <em>someone else’s</em>.</p><p>The look Mark fixes him with when Renjun finally admits the favour he needs enacted is painfully judgemental, and he hangs his head in shame as he continues to plead with his best friend for a sliver of mercy.</p><p>“Fine.” Mark eventually breathes after a good five minutes and Renjun instantly leaps up to give him a crushing hug in appreciation, Mark’s hands slowly coming up to accept the embrace, “I’m not peeing in a bottle for you ever again though, Injun.”</p><p>“Well, when you put it like that-“ Renjun begins, desperately trying to argue his case, but Mark simply slams the door on his face before he can get another word out.</p><p>(Only for Johnny, his best friend’s older brother to open it again, warmly invite Renjun into the house so he can wait for his ‘school books’ in warmth and scald Mark from the bottom of the stairs for being so rude.)</p><p>Not even five minutes pass and Mark is already entering the living room, a couple random books and an inconspicuous bottle in hand, interrupting Johnny’s ongoing interrogation into Renjun’s high school life which he’d missed <em>so</em> much of, away at university; (read: three months, and Renjun isn’t practically retired as Johnny keeps putting it.)</p><p>“Here’s your stuff, ‘Junnie.” Mark says, passing the items over to Renjun, with a painfully mortified expression lacing his features. Renjun almost bursts out laughing at the sight as he begins to say his goodbyes to Johnny with the promise to update him over the phone. </p><p>He mumbles a small thanks and promise of a return favour in Mark’s ear, who finally breaks a grin, telling him not to worry about it (on condition that Renjun never asks him to pee in a bottle again), and then he’s slipping out of the door and instantly taking off in the direction of his house again.</p><p>If you ask Renjun whether he’s particularly ashamed of what he’s just involved his friend in, he’d probably say no. He’s committed worse acts in order to get away with far worse so he’s probably a veteran in the art of uncomfortable situations by now, and Mark <em>was</em> indebted to him in the first place, after the last time Renjun had covered for him so he could go meet his boyfriend in peace without being hounded by his family. </p><p><em>we all have our demons</em>, Renjun thinks, still running home, as the rain begins to pour, soaking his clothes.</p><p>-</p><p>If Renjun knows one thing, it’s that he‘s reached a lot of lows in his life. It’s almost a given as a teenaged drug addict but he thinks this is definitely one of his lowest points, having to ‘pee’ with his mother <em>right there</em>, her back thankfully turned towards him so he can enact his plan to get past this fucking drug test, but still, the loss of privacy is humiliating and entirely his fault.</p><p>“I wish I didn’t have to do it like this, baby.” Renjun’s mother starts, voice already thick and breaking, and he instantly tenses, sensing the topic she’s seconds from breaching a mile away. Renjun fucking hates it when his mother’s voice sounds like this, hates what it means, what subject they’re about to discuss because even though he’d snorted an entire line just half an hour before this, he can never get high enough to feel numb as his mother cries over the pain he’s caused her.</p><p>“You don’t understand what it’s like to answer that call saying that your child’s being rushed to hospital, and not knowing whether they’ll even make it or not.” She whimpers softly at the vivid memories, triggering the barrage of tears building up in the pools of Renjun’s eyes to escape, trickling down the side of his cheek. There aren’t any words to describe how terrible he feels as he deceives his mother.</p><p>She continues, voice a mere scratch in the back of her throat, “and for Chenle to find you,” She breaks off, unable to continue the sentence and in that moment Renjun finds himself cursing the world, himself, curses the stars for letting him turn out this way, questions what he’s paying for, what his family is being punished for, wonders why he can’t just be a different person in a different world. Not for him, but for them, because they don’t deserve this, they don’t deserve the misfortune Renjun’s dragged around his ankles his entire life.</p><p>“Mom, can we not do this right now?” Renjun finally says, cutting off her tirade, voice sore from the screams that never escape the clutches of his throat. After collecting himself, he stands and places the small cup filled with urine on the counter, for his mom to perform the test unto. </p><p>His heart feels heavy when the test predictably comes out negative and he sees the baseless joy light up every feature on his mother’s face.</p><p>He feels even worse when she hugs him the tightest she ever has and barely thinks twice about letting him stay over at Mark’s for the night.</p><p>He fucking knows he’s not going to Mark’s house and he hates himself for not even having a sliver of self control.</p><p>-</p><p>Donghyuck’s party is like every other party Renjun’s ever attended; obnoxiously loud, uncomfortable and a haven for drug users, casual and addicts alike. As expected, the last factor is the selling point for for Renjun; especially when his typical scene outside of meathead gatherings is getting stupidly, <em>insanely</em> high or reading a book in the comfort of his own room.</p><p>He pushes his way past gyrating bodies and inebriated assholes, sending a courteous wave towards Mark and Donghyuck that probably isn’t received at all, when the recipients are high and clearly wrapped up in a dimesion that consists of just the two of them, the timing of their dance not matching the dirty beat at all and staring into each other’s eyes in the center of the room in a manner that makes Renjun feel absolutely sick to his stomach.</p><p>He’s way too sober for this shit, and needs to fix that issue <em>now</em>. He manages to find an empty bathroom in record time, locking himself inside and pulling a stash of whatever he had left in his pocket besides the borderline intimidating pills, crushing and then spreading the powder out evenly on the flat surface of his house key. </p><p>Renjun definitely has his vices, but he’s certainly multipurposeful and resourceful he thinks as he inhales the fluorescent powder, eyes fluttering shut and he waits patiently for the effect to take over.</p><p>Finding someone he knows to sit and relax with until the blasting music becomes unbearable proves to be a challenging task on drugs, faces blurring together unrecognisably and his attention span considerably shortened, and it also helps that the effects are considerably worsened by the surrounding environment. </p><p>For a while, he hangs around with Mark and Donghyuck who’ve finally returned to planet earth, but they become separated after a while, a group of people suddenly encircling them to converse with Donghyuck.</p><p>Eventually, he settles for collapsing onto an unoccupied couch outside, silently watching the partygoers do party things. About ten minutes pass when a familiar face takes a seat next to him, typical tousled blonde hair and long lean legs coming into Renjun’s view; Na Jaemin.</p><p>“Hey.” Renjun breathes, leaning back against the couch and letting his head loll to the side to catch Jaemin in his view.</p><p>“Hi.” Jaemin smiles lazily in return, meeting Renjun’s gaze and murmuring a small greeting back. There’s something special about quiet interactions like these, just on the peripheral of chaos, an otherworldly quality that elevates Renjun the the next level. There’s a calm breeze caressing their skin, and the faded bass echoes through the open windows and doors, it’s intimate, euphoric, like being caught between two drastically opposite worlds, the exact epitome of the high that Renjun constantly craves.</p><p>Jaemin suddenly shatters the peace, “Look, Injunnie, I’ve been thinking,” and at that, Renjun instantly knows that he’s either about to lose a dealer, or a friend, “I don’t know what kind of fucked up shit goes on in your head, and I definitely don’t know what caused you to go down this path, but I do know that the drugs won’t help shit.”</p><p>For a second, Renjun is shocked into absolute silence, because he never thought he’d live to see the day where Jaemin intentionally harms his own potential future sales to prioritise another person’s sanity, always claiming that if feelings were to ever get involved in a transaction, he’d go home with empty pockets.</p><p>Then, his routine reaction kicks in to hearing the same words he hears daily, just out of a different mouth, he attempts to shut down to no avail. Jaemin’s just high, he forces himself to remember.</p><p>Renjun grabs Jaemin’s hand and begins playing with his fingers, a distraction from what, he doesn’t know, and laughs quietly, no mirth in the sound. One second he’s just observing the world around him, and the next his mouth is moving against his volition.</p><p>“I remember when I was like thirteen, and I had my first panic attack ever, for the stupidest reason that should have made me <em>happy</em> instead; because my dad was coming home from the hospital,” Renjun breathes a short laugh at the memory, though his grip on Jaemin’s hand tightens, he doesn’t even know why he’s talking, “my dad was really unwell for a long, long time so when we got the news that he was coming home, I was suddenly filled with all of these doubts, all of these what ifs because deep down in my heart I knew things weren’t going to go back to the way they were.” </p><p>“In that moment, it felt like there was no air in the entire world, like I was drowning, fighting for my life and no one could see me. My parents rushed me to the hospital, and they gave me liquid Valium to calm me down.” He shakes his head softly, words slowly becoming no more than a whisper, “I remember thinking to myself, <em>this is it, this is the feeling I’ve been craving my entire life</em>. In the end I guess I was right because a couple years pass, he’s gone, panic attacks stayed and I guess I found a way to keep living. Will it kill me? Probably, I don’t know. I don’t know if I even care anymore.”</p><p>After listening to his tangent, Jaemin seems visibly troubled, a sight Renjun doesn’t see often. His grip in Renjun is hand stiff and tense.</p><p>“Still gonna be my dealer, Jaemin?”</p><p>For a second, Jaemin looks like he’s truly struggling to come to a decision, conflicting within himself but eventually he concedes, as Renjun knew he would, tension seeping out of his shoulders, defeated. Jaemin always becomes mellow when he’s intoxicated, easy to placate, much less of his flirty demeanour makes it to the surface. </p><p>“You’re fucking annoying, Injunnie.” Jaemin shakes his head tiredly, a shadow of a smile tracing his lips and he lets Renjun’s hand fall limply out of his grip, “I’m way too high for this.”</p><p>At his words, a strange bittersweet feeling Renjun can’t explain crawls up his throat, effectively dampening the atmosphere around him. He slowly turns to face away from Jaemin, muttering a empathetic “Me too. Me fucking too.”</p><p>-</p><p>The sound of commotion coming from the kitchen is what eventually lures Renjun back inside, curious to see exactly what is drawing people like flies to a light source. After pushing past yet another handful of sweaty bodies, the situation reveals itself to be what seems like a confrontation between one of the wildly popular girls Renjun never bothers to interact with, her stupidly macho basketball team boyfriend and another boy Renjun’s started to see recently in passing. A new kid, possibly.</p><p>“She approached me. I didn’t want anything to do with her.” The new kid states calmly, raising his arms in a defensive position as the girl’s meathead boyfriend begins to close in on him, gesticulating aggressively. </p><p>“Don’t lie to me! She wouldn’t do that!” He bellows, drawing an even larger crowd towards the havoc occurring in the centre of the room. The girl stands there, obviously horribly guilty just by posture to everyone else in the room besides her boyfriend, who continues instigating the new kid.</p><p>He grows increasingly more violent, obviously drunk and most probably high, until the situation climaxes and he throws a heavy handed swing at the new kid, who instantaneously grabs his arm, halting it in its tracks and shocking everyone in the room because no one’s <em>ever</em> seen this guy lose a fight (mainly because he relied solely on intimidation, but hey, whatever works), twisting him around and pinning it securely behind his back. The asshole couldn’t move if he tried. And he definitely did.</p><p>The entire room is dead silent, save for the booming music that seems to grow quieter by the second, and the new kid (who’s chiseled face and incredible jawline Renjun begins to notice uncontrollably) finally speaks into the tension. “If I really wanted to sleep with someone, I wouldn’t have gone for her anyway. I think I’m leaning more towards guys these days.”</p><p>If it wasn’t before, things are definitely totally mute now. The new kid with god-like visuals who’d embarrassed the hypermasculine star of every sports team at his first public appearance, was apparently gay, or at least bisexual; an appreciated plot twist in Renjun’s books. He’s suddenly incredibly intrigued. </p><p>After that tense moment, they all seem to remember where they are, the new kid loosening his grip and releasing the girl’s boyfriend, who stumbles away, swearing and cursing at the new kid’s feet. He steps away and moves towards the door, bowing and greeting the entire audience that had gathered at the altercation. He grins a crescent mooned eye smile, announcing himself, “By the way, I’m Lee Jeno. I just moved here.”</p><p>His smile stays imprinted in Renjun’s mind.</p><p>-</p><p>Soon enough, deafening music, shitty weed and sleazy high schoolers becomes an incredibly unpleasant atmosphere compared to the shiny new prospect that is Lee Jeno, and Renjun ends up making the executive decision to follow the intriguing new kid out of Donghyuck’s house.</p><p>Renjun finds Jeno standing on the porch with  one hand tucked beneath his armpit, the other tapping away at the screen of his phone, obsidian black hair getting tousled by the touch of the wind. He’s beautiful, Renjun thinks as he smiles at the new kid from where he is by the door, who returns the grin in a split second.</p><p>They don’t talk, the distance between them far too large to start a conversation just yet, simply letting themselves feel the breeze of the distantly chaotic evening. It's a slightly warmer night for September, so Renjun didn't bother bringing an extra layer with him, though he probably should have if he wasn't trying to get sick. The highs normally erase any discomfort he feels anyway.</p><p>It’s like magic when he feels his legs dragging him towards Jeno without him telling them to, stopping in front of the new kid and crossing his arms across his chest, “That was quite the scene earlier.”</p><p>“Yeah, I just, I knew he was gonna try something and I didn’t want either of us going home with a broken nose, so...” He gestures meaninglessly, before bringing a hand to the back of his neck awkwardly.</p><p>Renjun laughs, a genuine sound, “No, it was fucking insane. The new kid utterly embarrasses the biggest asshole in town, then announces that he’s gay to every teen in this area and school hasn’t even started yet. I respect that.”</p><p>Jeno’s cheeks colour a pale pink, laughing with a slightly mortified expression across his face, and Renjun thinks he could get used to the sound, “For the record, I’m bi, but yeah pretty much.”</p><p>A couple moments pass where they just stare at each other with stupid grins lining their faces, before Renjun finally takes initiative to introduce himself, extending his palm outwards, “I’m Renjun.”</p><p>Jeno accepts the hand Renjun has reached out, palm warm and grip firm, “Jeno, but you probably already heard.” </p><p>It takes a while from them to let go, Renjun immediately shoving his hands in his pockets and rocking back on the balls of his feet, trying to savour the warmth of Jeno’s touch to his memory. He almost forgets to continue their conversation, “So what are you doing after this?”</p><p>“Going home, I’ve had enough excitement for one night.” Renjun can’t say he disagrees. Jeno then looks up at Renjun expectantly with a tiny glimmer of mischief lining his gaze, before he continues tentatively, “Wanna come with?”</p><p>And that’s how Renjun ends up sneaking into a stranger’s house at one in the morning, climbs into his bed and triggers a saga of them telling each other intricate life stories. He’s definitely made better decisions in life. </p><p>Apparently, he isn’t about to start making them now, evident in the intrusive idea that pops into his mind once they’ve fallen into a comfortable silence, “Wanna get high?”</p><p>For a second, Jeno looks scandalised, but then begins laughing incredulously, shaking his head, “Didn’t you just get out of rehab?”</p><p>Renjun shrugs, sitting up on the bedsheets. So literally everyone knows, he guesses, “yeah.”</p><p>“Should I be concerned?” Jeno asks carefully, sitting up as well.</p><p>Renjun is silent for a moment, considering his answering options, before meeting Jeno’s eyes and smirking, “Maybe.”</p><p>Jeno flops back onto the bedsheets after mumbling some sort of affirmative, giving Renjun the ok to clamber of of the bed in search of the sweatshirt he’d chucked on the floor. He fishes through the pockets of the pastel hoodie, pulling out a clear packet with the mysterious drugs Jaemin had set him up with earlier.</p><p>Jeno props himself up on his elbows, eyebrow raised, “What are they?”</p><p>Renjun meets Jeno’s curious gaze with a blank expression, shrugging, “No idea.”</p><p>They find themselves taking the two tablets anyways, which take a seemingly instant effect, time slowing down to a steady halt, transporting them into a surreal warped sense of reality. The beauty of hallucinogenic highs is simply the beauty they enhance, the world narrowing down to highlighted pinks, purples, and Jeno. Jeno’s dreamlike touch, his pools for eyes, his chiseled cheeks and pretty smiles magnified by the intensity of the god given drug Jaemin had slipped into their deal. </p><p>If he wasn’t so vividly happy, Renjun could cry as Jeno lifts a hand to softly caress his cheek, both of them giggly by effect of the high but the touch still so gentle. </p><p>Jeno’s expression is one of complete wonder, as if he can’t believe he’s truly here, high and indulging in bad ideas with Renjun. Getting high with other people is always more enjoyable (and much less depressing) than taking drugs by himself. Renjun very quickly realises that there is nothing better than drugs <em>and</em> Jeno.</p><p>The hallucinogen eventually sends them to sleep in the lands of wild dreams and vivid imagery, lowered inhibitions and a insatiable craving for contact sated only by the sensation of Jeno’s strong arms wrapped tightly around his waist as they fall asleep. </p><p>You aren’t allowed to say it, but drugs are kind of cool.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Renjun is going through a lot rn but things will get better !!!!!!! I promise !!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>renjun chases the high.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello again !!!!!!</p><p>-</p><p>tw: creepy men, mentions of overdoses</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All in all, the drugs Jaemin’s associate set him up with were utterly phenomenal. It’s been two days and he still can’t stop thinking about it. </p><p>Renjun’s never had an experience like that in his entire eighteen years of existence, and also seeing as their first meeting was based around a wild hallucinogen trip, he thinks it’s safe to say he and Jeno now have a special bond that would have taken them months to cultivate otherwise. Drugs really uncover all of the gritty layers to a person in mere seconds rather than years; a blessing and a curse. (Even after getting stupidly high together, Jeno is still breathtakingly perfect in Renjun’s eyes. It’s almost unfair).</p><p>So yeah, drugs are incredibly cool. Until they’re not.</p><p>They become marginally less cool when they start ruining your skin, your relationships with other people and pretty much everything else in your life. He tries not to think about it as he tugs his uniform on to drag himself through yet another gruelling day at school, but also his first since his admission into rehab. As always, the beginning of the day passes in a meaningless blur, except for the added addition of a certain Lee Jeno in his life. </p><p>He gets dressed, grabs Chenle in a chokehold to shut him up approximately five times just this morning, makes sure his brother doesn’t forget his lunch before he leaves, then leaves himself. School is exhausting but as soon as it starts, he finds himself in Jeno’s company without realising.</p><p>He floats in between groups, mostly Mark and Donghyuck’s small circle consisting of Yukhei, Yeji, Yuqi and Yangyang, but spends most of his free time with Jeno. It makes sense that they instantly gravitate towards each other, the newly discovered drug addict who’d apparently returned from rehab and the gay kid who’d beat up one of the jocks before school had even started. What a pair, Renjun thinks.</p><p>“I feel like everyone knows.” Renjun starts as they make their way towards classes, conscious of the stares glued to their backs. Jeno immediately fixes him with a deadpan expression, raising his eyebrows.</p><p>“No offense Renjun, but I think I win after what happened on Saturday.” As if to prove his point, a few more people stare in their direction as Jeno speaks, causing a horribly suppressed grin to break out on Renjun’s face, “Yeah, I definitely win.”</p><p>The next second, a random student walking past them tastefully exclaims that he thought Renjun was ‘dead or something’ these past few months. Renjun doesn’t even bother to respond and opts to just stare pointedly at Jeno, who chucks an arm over his shoulders, laughing at their fortune. Renjun can’t help but laugh with him.</p><p>-</p><p>In this moment, Renjun fucking despises his drama teacher, who’s suddenly adamant in Renjun sharing one significant detail about his summer with the class.</p><p>Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be a problem, they do this every year as if they were preschoolers, however considering the manner in which he spent his last six months and the fact that he lives in an incredibly small town, literally everybody knows he went to rehab. </p><p>He doesn’t understand what his teacher stands to gain from publicly embarrassing him like this, when she can obviously see he’s painfully uncomfortable but even still, she persists. <em>anything that stands out to you,</em> she keeps repeating.</p><p> </p><p>His summer started out great, like any other. His emotions had finally regulated enough so that he could actually enjoy the quality time he spent with his family, and wouldn’t instantly spiral into the raging anger that made them walk on eggshells around him. </p><p>Renjun hates knowing that they would think over every word said around him about a hundred times, and through all of their effort, he would still get angry more often than not. Seeing Chenle withdraw from him was the absolute worst. He felt trapped in the shell of a person he was slowly becoming.</p><p>Summer was good, it truly was. Memories flash behind his eyelids as they usually do, rose coloured with lazy contentment. </p><p>Of the three of them huddling on the couch hours after Chenle probably should have gone to sleep, watching reruns of shows their mother loved growing up, of lying on his mother’s lap as she mends one of Chenle’s old quilts above his head, of stupid fights with Chenle in the car, only for their mother to turn up the music in order to simply drown them out, to their comical indignation.</p><p>Then there was the bad; namely the most intense fight he’d ever had with his mom. </p><p>She’d caught him snorting a line of a substance he doesn’t even remember (probably crushed opiates, knowing Renjun), both of them pausing for a moment in utter shock, then she’s instantly yelling at him, reinstating the sheer disrespect of him doing drugs in her house. Renjun knows.</p><p>The anger was blinding, broken scenes flashing behind his eyes as if it were a movie, of her pinning him to the floor, Renjun hyperventilating through his angry tears. Of tearing down picture frames, glass shattering on the floor. Of screamed insults received and given, of finally crumpling down the side of the wall, defeated, his mom coming to console him. She just wanted to help. Renjun <em>knows</em>.</p><p>
  <em>anything that stands out to you.</em>
</p><p>Cue involuntary flashbacks of his overdose.</p><p>Waking up in a deathly quiet, unsettlingly sterile hospital room after all he remembers as a significantly terrible trip was jarring to say the least. Still, the shock of coming to terms with his overdose was nothing compared to looking around to find his sleeping mother and brother cramped into two separate hospital chairs, visibly shaken and exhausted even in their slumber. </p><p>Slowly, he lays his head back on his pillow, allowing the build up of guilty tears to cascade down the sides of his face, simultaneously trying his best to conceal the wrenching sobs that threaten to make themselves heard.</p><p>They don’t deserve this.</p><p>In the drama theatre, Renjun stands there breathing the air of the present but living in the past. The sound of muffled muttering and whispers instantly brings him back to the present, and he storms off stage without a word, wiping the stray tears on his face with his sleeve. Through the chaos rampaging in his head, he doesn’t even notice Mark scrabbling off the floor to follow him to the bathrooms.</p><p>Renjun slams the stall door behind him, mind plagued by the spectacle he’d caused on stage. </p><p>A film reel of fragmented summer memories are playing in his mind repeatedly, a highlight medley of his worst moments, reminders of the mistakes he’s made all throughout his eighteen years of existence. He can’t breathe, his heart is pounding through his chest and there’s a shrill ringing in his ears that’s penetrating even his deepest thoughts. All he wants is for it to fucking <em>stop</em>.</p><p>His hands are shaking as he empties the packet of blue powder onto the toilet paper dispenser, rolling up an old receipt he had in his pocket so he can inhale the drugs into his system in an attempt to sedate himself before he has a full blown panic attack, when a knock on the door startles him.</p><p> <em>shit</em>, he thinks, heart pounding frantically in his chest as he regretfully blows away the powder that cost him his life’s expenses to procure, chucking the rest of the pills in the toilet to be flushed away, in case it’s a teacher. If it is, Renjun is totally fucked if he’s caught, seeing as he just got out of rehab. His mother would never forgive him.</p><p>It’s only after he’s gone through all of his troubles when the person on the other side of the door finally speaks. “It’s me.” A familiar voice sounds, and Renjun sees red. </p><p>It’s Mark.</p><p>The door opens with a foreboding click and Renjun leans heavily against the frame, expression cold and irate. He clenches his jaw as Mark comes into view, his eyebrows knitted in concern that serves to make Renjun’s blood boil. Concern that just cost him a high and a couple hundred out of his pocket. </p><p>“Why would you do that, Mark? I just flushed it all down the fucking toilet.” He seethes, pushing past his best friend. A nagging voice in the back of his mind tries to tell him that Mark was only trying to help, that Renjun’s explosive reaction is really shitty and inconsiderate of him but he can barely hear himself think over the impulse.</p><p>“Do what? I was just checking on you, Injun.” Mark says, eyes widened in confusion and a glimmer of nerves. Renjun knows he should leave, calm himself down and find Mark later, but his feet won’t move.</p><p>“I don’t want you to fucking check on me.” <em>shut up</em>, Renjun tries to tell himself, but it’s no use when his mouth is still moving and Mark’s expression is rapidly hardening into cold hurt by the second. </p><p>“Just leave me alone, Mark.” Renjun’s eyes glint in dangerous anger. “Whether I’m okay or not okay what difference will you make. Are you gonna help me? Make me feel better again?”</p><p>“Tell me that when you want me to piss in a fucking bottle for you again.” Mark starts to turn around, going back the way he came, and Renjun’s already cursing himself out of existence for hurting yet another person for no reason barring his selfishness, “Sorry if I miss the old you.” Mark says before he slams the door behind him, causing Renjun to wince because that one definitely stung.</p><p><em>Renjun</em> misses the old Renjun too.</p><p>-</p><p>He spends the rest of the day with Jeno, mind plagued with earlier’s situation in the bathroom, beating himself up over the way he handled his anger. If rehab taught him one thing he wanted to put it practice, it’s definitely not hurting the people he loves. So far, he’s failing miserably.</p><p>Jeno’s a lovely comfort though, providing  hugs and funny commentary whenever needed, a pleasant distraction from the war currently rampaging in Renjun’s head. </p><p> </p><p>After Monday’s fiasco involving Mark, the days that pass are terribly awkward between them, due to the noticeable tension between them that’s almost tangible, thick enough to cut with a knife and he wallows even deeper into his pools of regrets. </p><p>Mark barely even looks at him anymore and when he does, Renjun’s greeted by a tight lipped, uncomfortable looking smile out of forced courtesy. Donghyuck, who’s usually right beside him, always gives Renjun a sympathetic look in return to make up for Mark’s coldness. Renjun tries to ignore the sting of being iced out.</p><p>Just over a week passes and Donghyuck finally makes contact, gesturing a phone sign by his ear when they pass each other in the calls, mouthing a ‘call me later, we need to talk’.</p><p>Renjun’s heart instantly drops to the pits of his stomach. His mind starts rushing a mile a minute, filled with senseless anxieties that Donghyuck‘s going to end up breaking the news that Mark no longer wants anything to do with him, or that he’s royally fucked up this time, that everyone’s tired of him, and Renjun wouldn’t blame them. Renjun thinks his life is quite ironic; his biggest fear is losing people, yet he continues to choose drugs over everyone he loves. </p><p>The rest of his day is a senseless blur of worry concerning exactly what Donghyuck wants to talk about on the phone. He can barely concentrate on what Jeno is telling him about his upcoming basketball match next week, and how the asshole he’d shamed was competing with him for the same position on the team.</p><p>He feels bad when Jeno eventually stops talking, eyebrows furrowing in worry, “hey, are you sure you’re okay?”</p><p>Renjun snaps out of it and forces a smile, though it doesn’t reach his eyes, mumbling an answer. “yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.”</p><p>Jeno still looks mildly suspicious, but he doesn’t push or ask again for the rest of the day. Renjun appreciates it, he still feels too much like utter shit to fully discuss what happened between him and Mark without feeling an uncontrollable urge to take something.</p><p>The end of the day eventually comes, and it couldn’t come soon enough. Renjun’s exhausted by the time he sets one foot into the door of his house and feels like he could collapse right now, right here. He drags himself inside and greets his mother, who’s typing away at her laptop on the couch.</p><p>She looks up at him and smiles before going back to her work. Renjun doesn’t know why he does it, but he’s suddenly compelled by an emotion he can’t even describe at the sight of his mother and he goes to sit by her after toeing off his shoes, tucking his head under her arm. </p><p>He’s disturbing her, he knows, but he suddenly needs this. She freezes for a second, shocked into utter silence before placing the laptop on the coffee table and shifting to hug Renjun properly, warmth radiating off of her.</p><p>The tv plays in the background as they sit together, Renjun’s face pressed into his mother’s side and if he’s crying, nobody has to know. Still, his mother keeps making these weird sniffly sounds every few seconds and Renjun thinks she’s crying too. </p><p>-</p><p>He’s lying on his bed, purposeless and bored. The curtains are pulled halfway shut, shards of glowing purple light streaming into his room from outside’s illuminated darkness. Renjun’s scrolling through his phone, opening apps only to close them moments later, then reopens them as if he’ll see some sort of intriguing change. It’s still just people he could never be, living lives he could never attain.</p><p>In the midst of his lethargy, Renjun’s phone lights up, Donghyuck’s name highlighted across his screen. He picks up, setting the call on speaker against his stomach and leaning back against his pillows.</p><p>“Hey.” Donghyuck greets.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>“How are you?” His friend asks, horribly awkward. They’re far too close to still ask each other meaningless questions like that, Donghyuck often jumping straight into rambling about his latest high school ordeal before Renjun even has a chance to say hello.</p><p>Renjun looks down to realise he’d started cracking his knuckles again out of nervous habit. He takes a deep breath, and lies through his teeth.</p><p>“I’m alright, I guess. How are you?” He’s a wreck, anxious over the prospect of losing his best friend. <em>Abandonment</em>.</p><p>Donghyuck continues their charade, avoiding the elephant in the room. Renjun mumbles some sort of affirmative answer to one of his questions, before asking the question that’s been eating him up inside for hours. “so, what did you want to talk about?”</p><p>Donghyuck sighs audibly, “Mark, I guess. I know you’re probably beating yourself up over what happened.”</p><p>It’s like a dam breaks, words flooding out uncontrollably now that Donghyuck has mentioned the incident.</p><p>“I just- I don’t know what to do.” Renjun sighs heavily, running a stressed hand through his hair and staring out of the window. The raindrops glint prettily against the panes of glass, reflecting his fragmented appearance under the right light and angle. He forces his brain to stop distracting him from the self-caused issues at hand.</p><p>“Mark isn’t mad at you, Injunnie. I mean, he <em>is</em>, but he gets it. He knows you love him, I think he just forgets these days.” Donghyuck says, voice sympathetic and tone soft, as if he were there to comfort Renjun in person.</p><p>Still, Renjun’s insides twist painfully at the implications of Donghyuck’s words, that he’s hurting his best friend. He <em>knows</em> it’s his fault; “I don’t blame him. How is he supposed to know I love him when I just shout at him and choose drugs over our friendship.”</p><p>“You show it more than you realise, ‘Jun. You’re really selfless, even though it might not always look like it to you.”</p><p>“I can’t stop pushing people away, Donghyuck.” Renjun says, incredibly exasperated with himself to the point of pitiful sadness. “I want to tell him I love him, I want to tell him he’s my best friend but I <em>can’t</em>. Showing it isn’t always enough when you always seem to take seven steps back every time.”</p><p><em>Seven steps back every time</em>. <br/>Renjun got that one from his father. </p><p>His illness had begun to progress at an alarming rate, and Renjun had taken on the role of his unofficial carer as his mom gradually began working more hours in order to make ends meet once medical bills increased. </p><p>His condition would fluctuate constantly, and at its worst, he wasn’t walking and barely left his room other than for urgent necessities. Cuddled into his side as if he were a toddler again, Renjun would spend most of his time watching old shows with him for comfort. His or his father’s, he doesn’t know. </p><p>That’s when his father adopted the saying; it represented his entire life, he was never healthy for long and every time his condition worsened again, it was by a tenfold. The point is, his father had a plethora of multicoloured pills to take daily, and most of the time Renjun was the one in charge of administering his medication. This specific duty happened to be his gateway into trying oxycontin for the first time ever, at thirteen years old. </p><p>The effect was powerful, a new sensation Renjun instantly knew he’d crave as long as he lived. </p><p>The cathartic silence in his head, the merge of time and space, the ability to forget, the <em>happiness</em>. His father was too hazed in sickness and medication to even notice his son was intoxicated, and all he remembers is the television playing in the background along with his father’s hearty laugh that still managed to pierce holes in his heart through the barrier of his high. </p><p>A month later, he was walking again. The next, he was dead. </p><p>Two steps forward, seven steps back every fucking time.</p><p>-</p><p>His conversation with Donghyuck has long since ended and the painful memory of his father makes him crave like he knew it would. Renjun’s self aware at least, he knows his triggers.</p><p>Renjun almost goes to check for his stash, but remembers he’d flushed the last of it down the toilet and has been making do with his mother’s xanax bottles for the time being. </p><p>He’s ashamed that he’s still slightly irritated at the pitiful loss of a few days worth of drugs, but winces at the fresh memory of how he’d violently he’d lashed out at Mark. The drugs aren’t worth the volatile temper he’s developed.</p><p>Out of habit, he checks his phone after he tugs his jacket on to make the trip to Jaemin’s place, and he’s greeted by a chain of messages from Jeno asking to meet up. </p><p>
  <strong>Jeno</strong>
  <br/>
  <em>i’m boreddd</em>
  <br/>
  <em>wanna come over?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Renjun</strong>
  <br/>
  <em>i’m going to jaemin’s rn, i can come tomorrow ?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Jeno</strong>
  <br/>
  <em>hmmm</em>
  <br/>
  <em>can i come with :P</em>
</p><p>Renjun blinks at his screen once, twice, trying to figure out if this is Jeno’s method of playing a practical joke on him. He taps out an emphatic response. </p><p>
  <strong>Renjun</strong>
  <br/>
  <em>no.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Jeno</strong>
  <br/>
  <em>:(((</em>
  <br/>
  <em>why</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Renjun</strong>
  <br/>
  <em>i’m not letting you accompany me to my drug dealer’s house.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Jeno</strong>
  <br/>
  <em>but I wanna meet jaemin :((</em>
  <br/>
  <em> you make him sound so interesting !!</em>
</p><p>Now, Renjun has come across an issue. Recently, Jaemin has also expressed a casual interest in meeting the Jeno that Renjun is apparently ‘head over heels for’, to judge whether his face is as attractive as Renjun says it is for himself. Both parties involved now would like to meet each other, and Renjun can absolute not have that happen, not on his fucking watch.</p><p>
  <strong>Renjun</strong>
  <br/>
  <em>i don’t want to bring you into this world jeno</em>
  <br/>
  <em>i’m serious</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Jeno</strong>
  <br/>
  <em>i promise i won’t do anything</em>
  <br/>
  <em>i’m just bored and i want to meet this jaemin !!</em>
  <br/>
  <em>pls injunnie</em>
  <br/>
  <em>i just wanna see if he’s as pretty as you are :P</em>
</p><p>It takes approximately ten minutes between receiving that text and Renjun’s ears flaring up a flustered scarlet, heart doing crazy things in his chest, for him to be climbing out of his window to meet Jeno who’s sitting patiently outside of his house, silently wondering when he became such a fool for his friend. </p><p>Jeno beams once Renjun’s feet touch the outside ground, grabbing his bike as Renjun unlocks his, the both of them cycling the empty road to Jaemin’s place.</p><p>“I should have never agreed to this.” Renjun says regretfully as the wind rushes past his ears, pedalling faster to catch up to Jeno. His friend simply laughs mischievously, hair flowing in the wind and a dangerous smile on his lips, igniting butterflies in Renjun’s stomach.</p><p>It’s almost a wonder Renjun manages to cycle all the way to Jaemin’s place without any major accidents.</p><p>Renjun welcomes himself into Jaemin’s apartment as soon as he opens the door, without so much of a hello as a loving pat on the shoulder, leaving him to stand face to face with a slightly confused Jeno, who’s staring at his hands awkwardly.</p><p>Jaemin’s expression when he’s abandoned with an unrecognisable face at his doorstep is comical at first, but instantly switches to flirtatious once he connects the dots and realises exactly who he’s looking at.</p><p>“Don’t tell me <em>this</em> is Lee Jeno. You’re as gorgeous as Renjun says you are.” Jaemin says predictably while beckoning his new guest into the house. He winks at Renjun from where Jeno’s back is turned, ignoring the subtle death glares Renjun is attempting to send without alerting their subject.</p><p>Jeno just flushes, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. He promptly sits beside Renjun, who’s already splayed out on Jaemin’s sofa, clicking through channels on the television as if it was his own home.</p><p>Jaemin doesn’t even question Renjun’s constant presence in his apartment anymore, simply shutting his laptop and gathering his school things to set aside without question. He’s also attempting to subtlety flirt with Jeno who’s apparently oblivious to it all, answering Jaemin’s incessant queries with a none the wiser heart warming eye smile. </p><p>Renjun rolls his eyes playfully, “Jaemin, stop flirting with my straight friend please, you’re making him uncomfortable.”</p><p>To that, Jaemin throws an eraser in Renjun’s direction which barely misses his head, and in the next second, pauses with his arm midair, looking positively devastated as he finally processes Renjun’s words. Horrified, Jaemin repeats the words as if they were foreign, “<em>straight? straight? he’s straight?</em>”, causing Jeno to splutter in embarrassment for a good thirty seconds, frantically waving his hands around in an attempt to convey some sort of message. </p><p>He turns to look pointedly at Renjun, an indignant expression on his face, protesting, <br/>“I’m <em>bi</em>, Renjun, stop calling me straight!” </p><p>“Still into girls.” Renjun shrugs, bathing quietly at the chaos he’s caused and averts his attention back towards the tv.</p><p>Jaemin promptly resumes flirting with Jeno as much socially acceptable once he’s confirmed that is within the bounds of Jeno’s sexuality to do so, until Renjun threatens to set him on fire, to which he whines childishly in complaint, finally leaving the room to collect the drugs Renjun had ordered before he can get his next threat out.</p><p>“He’s.. a lot.” Jeno carefully admits once Jaemin actually leaves, but he doesn’t look too bothered by Jaemin’s flattery if the bashful smile tracing his lips is anything to go by.</p><p>“Welcome to my life.” Renjun sighs, turning on some random show for background noise and sitting up in order to lean comfortably on Jeno’s shoulder, no longer interested in the tv. Jeno wraps an arm around Renjun’s shoulder to accommodate him and shifts to use his other hand to tap away on his phone.</p><p>By the time Jaemin reappears, a discreet black pouch in hand which he ever so kindly throws in Renjun’s direction, Jeno and Renjun are invested in another one of their heated debates concerning whose first day at back school was more scandalous.</p><p>“People wouldn’t stop talking about me for two weeks!” Jeno exclaims, and while that is certainly true and people were slightly opposed to him for a few days, it’s given him a good reputation in the long run. </p><p>People don’t mess with him, (even though Renjun doesn’t think they would have anyway, Jeno can be kind of intimidating when you take away his personality) and he’s become some kind of beacon of hope to all of the younger kids for some reason - though they’re not exactly sure how thirteen year olds have caught wind of drug riddled senior parties and general senior business. (Renjun will tease him about the twelve year olds coming to Jeno for life advice until the day he dies.)</p><p>“Everyone thought I died!” Renjun refutes, people <em>still</em> get shocked when they see him walking through the halls, eyes widening and surprised expressions giving them away; they always look like they’ve seen a ghost. Renjun practically is one, literally defying death, but still, it’s uncalled for.</p><p>There’s no doubt Renjun’s argument has won here, but as usual, Jeno is insistent that just because there was more noise surrounding his debacle at the party, his circumstances were more scandalous and Jaemin seems to have decided to testify against Renjun’s case for reasons unknown (with absolutely no evidence, mind you, spouting nonsense just to side with Jeno and simultaneously take the piss out of Renjun).</p><p>They’re all laughing like they’ve been friends for years, and for a couple minutes, Renjun completely forgets about the lifeline of powders and pills hidden away in his pocket. It’s strange, except for quiet and drugs, Renjun’s never desired anything in life. Now he has two people he’s suddenly begun to constantly crave for.</p><p>-</p><p>After acquiring a new best friend after years of just one, one’s expected to at least tell their mother about it, so Renjun’s not quite sure why Jeno’s this flattered. (Granted, Renjun gushes about Jeno <em>a lot</em>, almost too much, enough for his mother to subtly begin to zone him out every time he so much as mentions his name).</p><p>“I just can’t believe you talk to your mom about me,” Jeno repeats for the nth time.</p><p>“There won’t <em>be</em> anyone to talk about if you keep going on about it.” Renjun threatens, but Jeno just throws an arm around him playfully, leaning into him.</p><p>They’re sitting in a park near their houses, too drained from the school day to go straight home to assignments and questioning parents. </p><p>“Do you tell her about Jaemin?” Jeno asks, idle curiosity lacing his voice. Jeno seems to have taken a liking to Jaemin, he’s noticed, talking about him more often than Renjun does, to the point where he’d taken it upon himself to exchange their numbers for them, on the basis that Jaemin is not to so much as talk about drugs with Jeno. </p><p>“Yeah. She doesn’t know he’s my dealer though.” </p><p>“Do you feel bad?”</p><p>Sometimes Renjun wonders if he feels bad himself. He’s long since gotten over trying to keep a professional distance between him and Jaemin, their history dating back too far to suddenly pretend there was nothing between them but transactions. </p><p>If his mother found out Jaemin was his dealer, she’d probably freak out and get him arrested in seconds flat. Renjun doesn’t know if he could stand never seeing Jaemin ever again.</p><p>Renjun leans back against his elbows, and stares at the sky, “Sometimes.” </p><p>-</p><p>Of all the years Renjun’s known him, he’s never witnessed Jaemin with an expression as grave and guarded as the one on his face as he opens the door. Once he realises it’s only Renjun, Jaemin’s face softens in relief for a split second, but instantly hardens, moving to stand defensively between Renjun and his apartment.</p><p>He raises an eyebrow, but it’s pouring outside and he can’t bear the cold a second longer so he simply shakes off the feeling of unease crawling down his spine. Disregarding the threatening ambience established from the moment the door swung open, Renjun takes it upon himself to welcome himself into Jaemin’s warm apartment, against the pleas to leave ringing in his ears.</p><p>“Renjun, you have to come back later.” Jaemin starts, words falling upon deaf ears.</p><p>Making his way into his bedroom, Renjun ignores Jaemin in favour of rummaging through his drawers in order to obtain a pair of shorts he can wear instead of his own soaked pair but Jaemin doesn’t relent, leaning against the doorway, eyebrows knitted together in worry, “Injun, I’m serious, you can’t be here right now.”</p><p>“All I need is a few ocs, a couple of xannys and maybe some ketamine if you have stock, and I’ll be out of your hair. I promise.” Renjun looks up at Jaemin with his best pleading expression, which would probably make Jaemin crack a smile any other day, but he remains cold and slightly panicked.</p><p>Distantly, Renjun registers that maybe he should actually get out of here, that Jaemin’s out of character behaviour is slightly alarming at best, and that he probably shouldn’t stick around to discover the cause of this conduct, but it’s as if his mouth and body are moving by itself.</p><p>Jaemin sighs and runs a hand through his hair, following Renjun as he leaves his room and enters the living room, “I swear you can come by tomorrow and I’ll have everything you need, but not now, Injunnie.”</p><p>Renjun knows he’s being petulant as he collapses onto Jaemin’s couch, lying down to prove childish his childish point, “i’m out of drugs.” He slurs, staring at the ceiling.</p><p>“That’s not my fucking problem right now, Injun. My guys are about to come through, and I don’t want you around when they get here.” Jaemin clearly isn’t playing around anymore, and at this point, Renjun’s beginning to actually feel scared. </p><p>This isn’t just Jaemin in a bad mood, he can see that now, but before he can even think about getting up to leave, a harsh knock sounds at Jaemin’s door simultaneous to the incessant ringing on his phone. Renjun knows that can only be bad news.</p><p>Jaemin eyes his phone, then looks at Renjun with the deadliest glare he’s ever received in his life and mutters under his breath, “I could fucking kill you right now.”</p><p>He taps around on his phone, clearly texting somebody very aggressively, before sliding a hand between the couch pillows and pulling out an intimidating, serrated, purple combat blade, concealing it between the couch again except for the black handle, where Renjun recognises it could be easily grabbed if need be.</p><p>The hairs on the back of Renjun’s neck stand instantly, he’s definitely scared now. He’s never seen Jaemin behave like this, and it’s more than unsettling. Drugs are his element and he’s all good with general illegal substances until lethal weapons get involved.</p><p>Jaemin can probably feel the fear and tension radiating off of Renjun from a mile away, if his suddenly softened tone and changed demeanour gives anything away, but still speakig in a firm tone Renjun’s jarringly unfamiliar with, “I’m serious Injun, stay right there and keep your mouth shut unless you’re spoken to, even then, keep your responses as short as possible. These guys don’t fuck around.”</p><p>He’s left sitting timidly on the couch when Jaemin opens the door, speaking in hushed voices until he comes back in view, leading two men and a woman into the living room. One of the men Renjun recognises as Guanheng, one of Jaemin’s other Chinese friends and apparent business associate. They’d only ever spoken briefly in the past, but his familiar presence still serves to calm him a little. </p><p>The mere sight of the other two rekindles the fear igniting his bones, leaving Renjun’s skin tingling in chilling apprehension. The woman’s heels break the tense silence with an unsettling click with every step she takes, eyes ice cold and unforgiving. </p><p>The man is a few steps behind her, unimaginably built and dressed entirely in black, his presence screaming danger to every one of Renjun’s nerves. He has to force himself to stay put and not take off running as Jaemin takes a seat on the opposite couch. </p><p>Once they see Renjun, they all seem mildly surprised except Guanheng, who Renjun assumes must have been the one Jaemin was frantically texting before their arrival, to notify him of his unplanned presence. </p><p>The man dressed in black gives Renjun a sleazy once over that makes him deeply uncomfortable to pits of his stomach, the woman simply standing by the table behind one of the couches.</p><p>“This your little brother?” The man asks, voice gruff and slightly threatening.</p><p>“No.” Jaemin’s response is curt, eyes darting all over the room at every slight sound made, expression guarded, “he’s a friend.”</p><p>Renjun catches the woman raise an eyebrow, her stance alert. The man leans down to his level, extending a palm for Renjun to take, a predatory grin on his face, “Well, hello there, pretty boy.” </p><p>Being called pretty by this strange man makes Renjun’s skin crawl violently, still, he takes the hand tentatively though he’d rather lick the floor. His instincts and Jaemin’s warning tell him that it’s probably in his best interests to listen to these dangerous people.  </p><p>“My name is Mouse. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”  </p><p>It’s a stupid name and Renjun would rather not know it. He’d rather not be in this situation entirely, but hey, that’s what happens when you hang around drug dealers, and also have the fatal inability to take no for an answer. He should have left when Jaemin asked him to.</p><p>‘Mouse’ finally seems satisfied, smirking wolfishly as he stands as back up to talk to the lady he’d come with. She tosses him a large black bag, and he begins pulling out an endless gold mine of drugs Renjun couldn’t even name if he tried, but still catches his attention nonetheless.</p><p>The woman is still detailing the prices and effects of the drugs by the time Jaemin is chucking a few wads of cash in their direction, clearly hasty to end this interaction. The woman catches them and begins counting quickly. To Renjun’s dismay, the man starts walking over towards them once again.</p><p>“Sure you don’t want any fentanyl?” He asks, but it doesn’t really sound like a question. </p><p>“Yeah man, too many ODs, we don’t want the heat.” As he’s responding, something seems to catch Guanheng’s eye when the man turns around, and there’s a moment of intense eye contact between him and Jaemin. An inkling in the pits of his stomach tells Renjun that he doesn’t want to find out what they’ve noticed.</p><p>“What about you, pretty boy?” Renjun takes a while to register that he’s being spoken to, but by then, Jaemin’s already answering for him, “He’s good, man.”</p><p>‘Mouse’ comes around to sit uncomfortably close beside him, and Renjun tries to subtly shift away as the man comes to curl a hand in his hair, whispering in his ear, “Gonna let him talk for you?”</p><p>Chills run down Renjun’s spine and he stammers for a response, looking to Guanheng for help, to the man’s distaste, “don’t look at him, look at me. You ever tried it?” He asks after a moment and Renjun shakes his head no, growing increasingly tired and fearful of this interaction. If he wasn’t so scared, he’d be cussing this man out, Donghyuck style.</p><p>“For real, I don’t want him messing with that shit.” Jaemin’s voice rings out distantly, but Renjun hears white noise as the man leans in close, whispering euphemisms so vulgar that Renjun would sell his soul to the devil in a split second if he could have his memory erased.</p><p>The man doesn’t seem to heed the warnings coming from everyone else in the room, preparing a dose of what Renjun assumes is fentanyl. It’s a clear gel on the tip of a switchblade, and the man holds it up to Renjun’s lips, threateningly close. He tries to refuse, but the glint of the blade and the tempt of the drug instantly shuts him up.</p><p>Jaemin must be able to tell that Renjun’s hanging on to his sanity by a mere thread, because he interjects once again, breaking Renjun away from his treacherous thoughts for a moment. Only a moment, because in the next second, the blade is being turned against Jaemin, with obvious intent to harm, the man’s voice a terrifying warning, “I’ll slit his throat if you try anything.”</p><p>Renjun looks over to see the woman with what looks like a gun ready to be unsheathed, and he instantly knows they’ve lost this battle. </p><p>That must have been what Jaemin and Guanheng had noticed for their faces to turn so deathly white in panic. The man slowly turns to face Renjun again, murmuring quietly under his voice as if he hadn’t threatened his life a second ago, “Come on, try it. It won’t bite.”</p><p>It’s moments like these where Renjun wants to burst out ironically laughing at the unfairness of life; here he is, sitting with the promise of a high like he’s never felt dancing on the end of a blade wielded by possibly the worst man Renjun has ever met, directly after withdrawing. There is no level of self control present.</p><p>Renjun wracks his brains for information with the last sliver of sense he has left.</p><p>Fentanyl. </p><p>An opioid.</p><p>Vaguely, Renjun remembers Jaemin telling him something about fentanyl being extremely bad for business in the long run, a drug difficult for addicts to turn their back on, one that introduces a game changing high which presents itself as a double edged sword. </p><p>Fentanyl never lasts long in stock, people buying it in frenzies, bringing a wealth of money to a dealer’s pockets, but it also comes with the prospects of inevitable overdoses. It’s a infamous high people chase until it kills them, and Jaemin’s not one to enjoy having blood on his hands.</p><p>This is bad, bad, <em>bad</em>. Renjun knows he’s already particularly susceptible to becoming hooked on opioids, with his history of abusing prescription medication, but he feels his self control slipping away by the second. He, along with Jaemin and Guanheng, will probably be killed if he doesn’t give in anyways.</p><p>So, he does what any normal person would do. He begs and pleads and prays to any god out there not to die as he wraps his lip around the edge of the blade.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>Not even fifteen minutes pass and Renjun is already slammed by the effects, drowsy and barely hanging onto his consciousness. He hears the people in the room talking, but it’s as if they’re miles away, talking through an impermeable barrier. Soon, he can’t even find the energy in himself to sit up, flopping towards the side of the couch in an almost slumber.</p><p>“It hits quick.” He thinks he hears the man say, and definitely feels him lift one of Renjun’s legs onto his lap. Renjun thinks he’s protesting, but it comes out as a murmur of nonsense and the man laughs. “Want some patches?”</p><p>All Renjun registers is the promise of more of this feeling, and slurs some kind of affirmation, to the man’s sleazy amusement. Renjun feels a couple cold packets slide up against his thigh, under his shorts, and he giggles in his euphoria, “That’s gonna cost you $300.”</p><p>“I only... I only have 2 dollars.” Renjun slurs, mind completely elsewhere. He tries to offer to give the patches back in his intoxicated state, but the man laughs once again, an unsettling sound, running his hand across Renjun’s thigh and he’s terrified but trapped within his high, “I have a strict no return policy.”</p><p>Jaemin speaks, voice tense but firm, “Mouse, let me pay for it.”</p><p>“I thought you were too good for fentanyl.” The man sneers, an ugly expression on his face. </p><p>He begins to insinuate other means of payment that fly over Renjun’s head but get Jaemin’s blood boiling, and he feels his hand slip between the couch, grabbing the handle of his blade for grounding and security. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Guanheng quietly unsheathing his own blade, arming himself. The tension is palpable.</p><p>“Just let me pay for it, Mouse.” The man doesn’t reject his offer this time, so Jaemin cautiously stands, digging wads of cash out of his pocket and handing it to him.</p><p>“He really must love you.” The man whistles lowly, counting the cash, “it’s gonna cost you $600 now.”</p><p>Jaemin stifles a frustrated sigh, pulling another stack of money out of a drawer by his table. Any other situation and he would have stood his ground, totally averse to being slighted and underhanded but he can’t even argue, now that Renjun’s in jeopardy. </p><p>Mouse snatches the cash roughly and hands it to the woman, who pockets it, and stands from his seat on the couch. Jaemin breathes a sigh of distant relief as the man finally leaves Renjun’s side.</p><p>“It’s always a pleasure doing business with you, Jaemin.” The man taunts on his way out, and it takes all of Jaemin’s self control not to end this man’s life right now, right here, regardless of whether he dies too.</p><p>The house is eerily silent after the door shuts behind the pair. He and Guanheng share a look  of nervous tension and relief before going to check on Renjun. </p><p>“He’s out cold.” Guanheng tells him, laying a hand against Renjun’s forehead to check for a temperature and in that moment, Jaemin’s guilt is overwhelming. He got Renjun involved in this situation, he may have cost Renjun his <em>life</em>. Guanheng shows Jaemin the fentanyl patches, silently asking what to do with them.</p><p>“Flush them down the toilet. And go get the Narcan, just in case.”</p><p>Guanheng goes to grab the Narcan in case this ends in the worst way possible, and Jaemin’s left at a loss, sitting by Renjun and gently placing his head on his lap, so he can be comfortable. He’s floating in and out of consciousness, mumbling random nonsensical phrases. Jaemin plays tenderly with Renjun’s hair as he tries to fight off the growing pit in his stomach.</p><p>Jaemin does the only thing he can think of.</p><p>He dials Jeno’s number.</p><p>-</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i swear there will be acc nrm content next chap</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Renjun breaks the news with a batch of freshly baked cookies. He’s been clean for two weeks.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>another long chapter so sorry OTL<br/>next chap will def be much shorter !!</p><p>feel free to leave feedback in the comments.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Upon recent events, Renjun has realised that there is not a single thing on planet Earth that compares to fentanyl.</p><p>Except Jeno and Jaemin, even though they are currently taking turns in aggressively berating him over his life decisions for the entire time that spends coming down from the drug. Renjun doesn’t think they even care if he‘s conscious or not. </p><p>Still, when they aren’t livid with him, they’re probably the best people on the planet, quite literally one of the very few highlights in Renjun’s life. He’d definitely rank them above fentanyl, he decides.</p><p>The high from the fentanyl was incredible, unlike anything Renjun had ever felt before, and if it wasn’t for the ravaging withdrawal symptoms he’s experiencing right now, he’d probably wrestle the both of them right here, right now for another fix. He’s level headed enough to know that he shouldn’t, and that’s why he isn’t putting up too much of a fight. </p><p>Even still, Renjun knows himself well enough to tell that the urge to experience that euphoria again will stick with him for a long, long time.</p><p>Then again, his uncharacteristic hesitance to try the drug again, even though it brought the most intense feelings of exhilaration he’d ever felt in his life, is probably brought on by seeing the genuine fear in the boys’ expressions when he’d first come to. </p><p>After noticing the fact that he was in Jeno’s room, the first thing he processed was Jaemin beside himself in worry, hair mussed and eyes terribly swollen, then Jeno sitting opposite him and trying to console him, telling him that it wasn’t, and would never be his fault.</p><p>It was jarringly reminiscent of waking up in hospital, days after his overdose; the guilt, the worry. Renjun shakes his head to rid himself of the memory, startling Jeno and Jaemin into realising he’s finally awake. As expected, Jaemin recognises his withdrawal symptoms immediately, offering him water and pain relief tablets to lesson his fever and nausea. Renjun thanks Jaemin quietly, appreciating the gesture.</p><p>Jaemin waits approximately three minutes after Renjun’s finished his glass of water, takes his temperature, then ruthlessly tears into him. “I told you to go, Injunnie, why didn’t you <em>listen</em>? You should know how addictive opioids are, and now you’ve fucked with the worst of them all. I don’t want to see you dead, Renjun, but that’s how every single person I’ve sold it to ends up.” </p><p>Renjun hangs his head in shame, accepting the whirlwind of scolding he gets from the both of them.</p><p>“I just feel like the longer you’re around me, the worse you get. I know I’m a bad influence, but I thought we could work this out, Injunnie. I can’t even blame you, because I blame myself entirely.” Renjun’s heart stops, and he looks up in panic. He doesn’t want to lose Jaemin, he doesn’t want Jaemin to hurt, he doesn’t want to keep pushing people away the way he has for the past five years.</p><p>Jeno lays a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder, “Injun’s strong, Jaemin, he’ll be fine. You can’t help what you do to survive, don’t beat yourself up over a situation you couldn’t control.”</p><p>Renjun speaks for the first time, and they both instantly snap to look at him. He blanches under their gazes, head pounding so severely he can barely even think straight.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Renjun swallows, but his mouth is dryer than it’s ever been, and when he tries to speak, his throat is hoarse and scratchy from disuse. “I’m sorry for making you guys worry, and I’m sorry for not listening to you, Jaemin. It wasn’t your fault, I got involved somewhere I shouldn’t have.”</p><p>A silence hangs in the air after his last word, and Renjun can’t even bring himself to lift his head and gauge their reactions. He only looks up when he feels the bed dip beside him, both of them climbing under the covers next to him, one on each side. Jeno snakes an arm tightly around his waist, Jaemin throws a leg on top of the both of them, and in that moment, Renjun almost feels safe.</p><p>“It’s okay.” Jaemin whispers and Renjun can’t even bring himself to cry anymore, he feels like his insides are drying out. Things are silent for a while. Renjun begins to think they’ve fallen asleep until Jeno suddenly tenses, shifting around and obviously uncomfortable. Jaemin doesn’t stir, already fast asleep.</p><p>“What’s wrong?”</p><p>Jeno freezes, mouth opening and closing but no words coming out. He clearly has something on his mind that he’s having difficulty admitting. </p><p>After a couple minutes of thinking, he tightens his grip around Renjun’s waist, snuggling his head into the crook of Renjun’s neck. He confesses, “I really like you, Renjun. I really, really fucking like you and Jaemin, and I don’t even understand how I can like you guys so much when we haven’t even known each other three months. But I don’t wanna get involved with someone who’s going to end up killing themselves.”</p><p>Jeno’s voice is shaky and vulnerable, and it sends Renjun through a hurricane of emotions. He can’t explain a single one of them, so he settles for laying a a hand over Jeno’s wrapped around his waist, squeezing tightly.</p><p>“I know.” He whispers, and he truly does. He knows it’s only a matter of time before his vices kill him, leaving a path of destruction in his wake, and he blames himself for getting even more people involved, allowing himself to become attached. He’s a ticking time bomb and anyone who gets close to him is just guaranteed collateral damage.</p><p>“I don’t want to be around you if you don’t stop using drugs, Renjun.” Jeno finally whispers; the ultimatum shattering his heart into a million pieces. Renjun almost marvels at the efficiency that the drugs are tearing through his every relationship. He opens his eyes to see Jaemin staring right back at him, roused by the conversation. He looks <em>sad</em>, distant.</p><p>“I know.” Renjun repeats and then he’s speaking without thinking, anything to appease the two people who’ve suddenly become his lifeline in a matter of weeks, accidentally committing himself to a promise that’ll probably kill him in the end, “I’ll stop. I’ll try. I promise.”</p><p>“Hey! I have a business here. Stop jeopardising my sales.” Jaemin jokes through the tension, tugging smiles out of all of them.</p><p>He’ll try, Renjun decides, for them. For Jeno and Jaemin, for his mother, for Chenle, for his father. </p><p>He just needs one last thing. Jeno’s not going to like it.</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>It’s been about two hours since he’d first woken up in Jeno’s bed and received the earful of a lifetime. Now he’s finally home, unlocking the front door to be greeted by his mother sitting at the table, expression hardened and stoic. She’s apparently very prepared to give him the second most severe earful of his lifetime.</p><p>Renjun’s mom is understandably livid when her son walks in at four in the morning, after disappearing and falling completely unreachable for the better part of the entire night. She looks sick with panic and enraged by worry, rounding up behind him with an expression so fierce, Renjun is actually scared for his life, “Where were you?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, my phone died.” Renjun tries wishfully, but he’s instantly shot down, his mom closing in on him.</p><p>“Bullshit.” She accuses, “you’re doing drugs.”</p><p>“I not, mom.” He’s lying yet again. He feels bad, especially after committing to the colossal promise of sobriety to Jeno and Jaemin, but if he’s going to get a shot at attempting to get clean on his own and holding true to his promise, he needs to get away with this one last time.</p><p>“Then why weren’t you answering your phone? Why are you coming home at this time? Why are you sneaking in the house? You’re doing drugs, and I’m sick and tired of it!” His mom is shouting now, voice loud and broken. </p><p>At the commotion, Chenle’s door creaks open hesitantly and his face comes into view.  They both snap to look at him, but his brother’s expression is terrified and Renjun feels a sharp pang in his chest at the sight.</p><p>His mom orders his brother to go back to sleep, but he practically ignores her, his eyes remaining focused on Renjun, </p><p>“are you okay, Renjun?”</p><p>Renjun responds as normally as he can muster, forcing a tired smile, “Yeah, ‘Le, I’m fine. You can go back to sleep.”</p><p>His mother’s tone softens as she speaks to his younger brother, ushering him back into his room with a gentle hand on his shoulder, “He’s fine, baby, go back to sleep.”</p><p>Reluctantly, Chenle concedes, disappearing back into his room, eyes lingering worriedly between he two before the door finally clicks shut. Renjun focuses his attention back on his mom, who’s expression has switched back to one of frustrated anger but her voice is lowered and her vicious tone is suppressed, knowing Chenle is now awake and listening.</p><p>She still sounds as threatening as ever, asking one last time, “I will not allow you to walk into my house at four in the morning, and lie to my face. Where were you?”</p><p>Renjun’s simply sighs, running a hand through his hair in exasperation, “Mom, I don’t want to argue. If you’re gonna drug test me, just drug test me.”</p><p> </p><p>And that’s how he ends up ‘peeing’ under his mother’s supervision once again, using a different person’s urine (Jeno’s) to foil the test this time. His mother’s still beyond irritated with him even after the test comes out negative, muttering under her breath and grounding him for the next foreseeable future.</p><p>Renjun passes out as soon as his head hits his pillow.</p><p>-</p><p>Renjun doesn’t go to school for the next three days, swamped by excruciating withdrawal symptoms painful enough that he’s not even eating and barely leaves his room, except to use the toilet. While he knows his mom probably has her suspicions, somehow, he manages to pass his withdrawal symptoms off as an extremely severe cold.</p><p>He spends his sick days either sleeping, throwing up uncontrollably, gaming, cussing Donghyuck out over the phone or reflecting on his life decisions. He’s really going to try and get sober, he’s decided. Renjun owes the people in his life the effort at least.  </p><p>The three days couldn’t pass any slower, the boredom and agony dragging the hours out over what feels like weeks. The problem with withdrawal is that oftentimes, the only way to bear the symptoms is to subdue it with the drug itself, leading to a vicious circle of dependency. Now that Renjun’s attempting to stay clean, it’s a lot harder to deal with.</p><p>But as things do, the pain eventually passes and he finds himself back in school. The post withdrawal depression hasn’t set in yet, people have stopped looking at him like he’s grown an extra head and Jeno seems positively delighted with the ‘progress’ he’s made.</p><p>(Renjun quickly realises he’d do anything to see Jeno’s eye smile.)</p><p>He’s a lot more lucid and clear headed now so time passes excruciatingly slow, and he’s always tempted to get high just to rid himself of this endless boredom. </p><p>It’s takes a lot of restriction, anger and effort but he fights the urges, reminding himself of the trauma the fentanyl withdrawals caused him - and simultaneously tries not to remember the fact that it also gave him the best high of his life. Two weeks have passed, Renjun realises in disbelief one morning when Jaemin calls, gushing about his ‘character development’.</p><p>He’s happy, listening to the pride and compassion filling Jaemin’s voice, but overall, he can’t erase the feelings of emptiness that have plagued him since going clean. Drugs made up for a lot more of Renjun’s personality than he’d realised.</p><p>He tries to focus on the achievement of his two week mark of sobriety, generally a great feat, Renjun acknowledges, however the only problem was that he’d been going to his mandatory narcotics anonymous meetings for much, much longer. Precisely, his ‘sixty days’ was coming up, but he’d really only been drug free for less than a month.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>-</p><p>Renjun tries his best to clear his head as he’s called up to the stage for his speech, pulling fake smiles that attempt hide how unhappy he truly is. He doesn’t want to have to lie to all of these people in the exact same situation he was in, but he’s bound without a choice. NA meetings are compulsory for him to attend, a way to continue checking his progress and relapses once he’d gotten out of rehab.</p><p>Today, he’s celebrating his sixty days clean.</p><p>Once he’s on the stage and everyone’s settled, Renjun begins reiterating the speech he’d rehearsed over the weekend.  He hopes he doesn’t sound as lifeless as he feels. He hopes his lies aren’t as obvious as they seem. He hopes he isn’t igniting falsified hope in any of the people sitting in front of him.</p><p>His eyes keep returning to a man with pink hair sitting in the audience. He’s listening to Renjun’s speech with an almost grimace contorting his features, as if he’d rather be anywhere else than have to hear the words coming out of Renjun’s mouth. Renjun shifts consciously on the stage, cutting himself short to be done quicker. Something about that man makes him very uncomfortable, like he could see straight through Renjun and his lies.</p><p>After the celebrations, Renjun later finds out that he’s exactly right when the pink haired man approaches him as he’s unlocking his bike from the fence, ready to finally go home after hours of tame partying and courteous conversation. Not his scene.</p><p>It’s evening now, and a calm wind brushes through his hair as he struggles with his bike lock. Renjun hadn’t noticed the man leaning against one of the pillars of the building, so he’s startled when he suddenly speaks. </p><p>Looking over, he spots the man staring at him with unsettling curiosity in his features. He’s got a striking appearance like that of an established model’s, Renjun notices in passing, pink hair falling into his wide eyes and porcelain skin glinting under the neon purple light of street signs. He looks almost doll-like.</p><p>“Sixty days, huh? Not a small feat.” It doesn’t sound like a compliment, but Renjun thanks him anyway, accompanied by a polite, tight-lipped smile. He’s eager to just get home as soon as possible, the man’s presence setting him slightly on edge.</p><p>“Can I ask you something?” The man asks for permission, but Renjun gets the feeling that he’ll be asked anyway.</p><p>The man barely waits a moment for Renjun to agree, as he’d expected, “How did you survive that OD?”</p><p>His tone is causal, as if they were talking about something mundane like the weather, but Renjun instantly freezes as if he’s been shot, paralysed by the sudden breach of the sensitive topic. His heart is in his throat as he stands up and straightens, expression becoming unconsciously guarded, “what do you mean?”</p><p>The man stands straight to match Renjun’s posture, expression challenging, “I mean somebody had to save your life.”</p><p>“It was my brother.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Floating in and out of consciousness.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Older or younger?”</p><p> </p><p>Pinpoint pupils.</p><p> </p><p>“Younger.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Awake, but unable to talk.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Like fourteen? Fifteen?”</p><p> </p><p>He’d almost died.</p><p>For a while, he wished he had.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun desperately tries to break off the conversation before he ends up reliving the memories full force, muttering something about having to get home but the man just interrupts him. “I don’t understand why you’re asking me these questions.”</p><p>“Curiosity.” At this, Renjun almost becomes angry. He doesn’t want to relive his fresh trauma to sate this man’s ‘curiosity’. He forces himself to take a deep breath, and slowly opens his eyes to make contact with the man.</p><p>“He was fourteen.”</p><p>The man blows a low whistle, kicking himself off of the wall, “That’s some heavy shit, but hey, we’ve all done bad things in life.”</p><p>“I bet he looks up to you, doesn’t he? Imagine what that does to a fourteen year old, finding your older brother overdosed.” Renjun’s emotions simply can’t handle the man voicing his every inner thought, his deepest regrets. He doesn’t know what the man stands to gain from doing this to him, what kind of twisted satisfaction he’s receiving. </p><p>In a way, Renjun knows he deserves this. He knows he’s ruined his mother’s life, he’s ruined Chenle’s life. They’ll never be the same again, and he’d do anything to fix it, to redo everything, to undo the burden he’s caused them but he’s in it so far, he can’t stop. </p><p>Renjun’s bottom lip quivers and a single tear threatens to fall, it’s as if his emotions and physical responses are out of sync. He’s certainly sad, but not enough to cry. He’s mad, but he doesn’t tend to cry out of anger; he explodes. He wants to turn around and run away, but it’s as if he feet are glued to the floor. He hates that his first instinct to escape these suffocating feelings is to crush a couple pills.</p><p>“I have a little brother too. We had to work damn hard to undo the damage that my ten years of addiction did to him.” Renjun’s eyebrow raises at the sudden change in narrative, expecting to continue being berated and held publicly accountable for his every mistake. </p><p>The man’s bored expression disappears and he suddenly looks sad as he retells his story, striking a chord within Renjun. He feels the anger instantly dissipate and a sense of familiarity overcomes him. </p><p>“People don’t think about the younger siblings in our situations. It makes it hard for them to trust, to get close to people, start relationships. It makes it hard for them to fall in love. Ever think about that? That’s exactly what you’re doing right now, ruining your brother’s life. Keep going down the road you’re going and you’ll end up dealing with the same thing.” </p><p>“You’ll have to make peace with that. The same way you have to make peace with getting up in front of a whole group of people struggling with the same thing and lie about being clean.” Renjun feels his heart stop in his chest and climb up his throat, he’s seconds from panicking at being found out. If anyone else finds out, he’s fucked, he’ll probably be forced to move, Chenle will be uprooted from his life, he’ll be sent back to rehab, he’ll disappoint everybody.</p><p>The man reaches into his pocket, pulling out what looks like an old receipt and a pen. He scribbles something on the back of the paper, and hands it to Renjun. For the first time, his expression morphs into something similar to sympathy, “I’m Taeyong. Let me know when you wanna stop trying to kill yourself, and eat some pancakes.”</p><p>As soon as Renjun accepts the note the man turns on his heel without another word and walks back inside, leaving Renjun shocked silent and motionless over their strange conversation. </p><p>Even his emotions are confused, he’s not sure whether to laugh or cry at the bizarre nature of what had just happened. He’d just been dressed down, painfully called out and torn to shreds, but also received an offer to grab pancakes with this strange man. After a few moments of idle contemplation, he looks at the piece of paper.</p><p>It’s a phone number.</p><p>-</p><p>By the time he sets foot in his home, he’s physically and mentally exhausted, and still dwelling on the subject of his conversation with Taeyong. </p><p>After setting his things down and washing up, he somehow finds himself outside of Chenle’s closed door. He can hear the sounds of some kind of action movie and Chenle’s loud laughs penetrating through the door, but he just stands there, hand frozen in the air.</p><p>About a minute passes before he musters up the courage to just knock and open the door. Upon entering, Renjun realises how long it’s been since he’s actually been in here for more than a couple minutes. Chenle’s room has always felt like childhood, like home.</p><p>“Hey.” Renjun says, and Chenle looks up from where he’s lying on his bed, watching a movie on his laptop.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>Once he realises that Renjun doesn’t actually need anything, Chenle quickly goes back to watching his movie, leaving Renjun to his own devices. Being in this room always ambushes him with childhood memories, of doing homework together at his desk, of teaching his little brother piano because he’d desperately wanted to learn after seeing his older brother play. (Renjun’s lost the passion to continue the art since then, but it’s always nice to hear Chenle playing through the walls.)</p><p>(It reminds him of who he used to be.)</p><p> </p><p>“Move over.” Renjun finally finishes reminiscing and approaches Chenle, nudging him to make room for him. His brother barely takes his eyes off of the screen as Renjun climbs over him, shifting to get comfortable and leaning on his shoulder to get a good view of the screen.</p><p>Honestly, Renjun is so tired that he can barely pay attention to what’s happening and the plot is completely flying over his head, especially since he’d started watching midway, but he enjoys Chenle’s passionate commentary anyway, entertained by his longwinded rants and loud exclamations.</p><p>He missed this, Renjun realises. </p><p>-</p><p>Renjun’s never had such a fast paced relationship in his life, and it’s <em>euphoric</em>.</p><p>He’s fallen into a routine of meeting Jeno and Jaemin almost every other day of the week now, Jeno’s house the typical center of their rendezvous since Renjun has Chenle, and Jaemin’s place is a last resort for obvious reasons.</p><p>Today, they’re sitting in the living room when Renjun finally breaks the news of his two weeks clean with a batch of freshly baked cookies that he shyly offers to them accompanied by a soft blush tracing his cheeks.</p><p>“I wouldn’t be able to do this without you guys, so here...” He awkwardly thrusts the cookies towards the pair, who look at Renjun with unreadable expressions on their faces, then at the cookies, then at each other repeatedly, until Jaemin rushes forwards to kiss Renjun’s face incessantly, Jeno grabbing the cookies just in time before they’re crushed.</p><p>Renjun cringes and tries to get away, but inside he’s so incredibly happy being here with them. He’s made <em>them</em> happy, he realises with a smile. </p><p>Earlier, he’d thanked his mom with her own batch of cookies to which she’d actually cried upon receiving, embarrassing Renjun in front of Chenle in the softest way possible. He’d love to be able to choose this over the drugs on any occasion.</p><p>“These are really good cookies. I would have made them better though.” Jaemin jokes after trying one and accidentally ends up catapulting them into another debate, over personal skills this time. </p><p>Except for this one instance, they’ve never cooked together nor have they eaten each other’s food, so realistically, they can’t accurately critique shit about each other’s kitchen abilities. Nevertheless, Jaemin seems insistent that he’s the better chef, Jeno’s managed to involve himself somehow, and Renjun silently wonders when their entire relationship had become him having to constantly prove himself to the others.</p><p>There’s nowhere he’d rather be.</p><p>-</p><p>Unfortunately, happiness never really lasts long for Renjun, with or without the drugs.</p><p>They’d long since moved upstairs, squashed on the bed with Jeno leaning his head on Renjun’s lap and chattering away to Jaemin about basketball, who seems to be trying very hard to understand the terminology spouting uncontrollably from Jeno’s mouth.</p><p>Jaemin’s connected his phone to the speakers and is playing quiet music from his phone, while Jeno’s toys with Renjun’s other hand as he talks. The atmosphere should be comfortable, relaxing, safe but Renjun can’t stop <em>thinking</em>.</p><p>He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve <em>them.</em></p><p>He thinks about how his friends probably don't want to be around the empty frame that he is, the empty shell that he's become. He thinks about how he’s pushing everyone away, the number of people he has slowly diminishing. He thinks about things he's done in the past, and how they'll probably stick with him for life. He thinks about that dull feeling in his chest that's not quite sadness, but still causes him to feel like he's about to cry any second. He thinks about how it's <em>always there</em>, buried in his heart.</p><p>Soon enough, his thoughts become almost deafening and he has to excuse himself under the pretence of grabbing a glass of water. He catches a glimpse of Jeno and Jaemin looking at each other with slightly concerned expressions as he leaves the room, but he brushes it off, shutting the door behind him.</p><p>He actually does end up getting himself a glass of water, throat suddenly immensely dry. He’s standing with his glass under the dispenser, patiently waiting for it to fill up when out of his peripheral vision, Renjun spots the devil tempting him.</p><p>On the counter lays four orange bottles Renjun’s all too familiar with, prescribed to a Lee he recognises as Jeno’s father; probably just delivered. Of all benzos, Valium wouldn’t be Renjun’s first choice, since it’s considerably less potent than other medications, but if he really has no other options-</p><p><em>Fuck</em>, he curses, cold water overflowing over the glass and all over Renjun’s hand. He hadn’t even realised he was still putting pressure on the dispenser, completely distracted by the temptation of the drugs sitting right in front of him. Carefully setting the glass on a counter, Renjun walks over to the bottles.</p><p>Perfect fucking timing, he thinks sarcastically as he picks up an orange bottle. To be tested in a moment such as this, when he’s already so low in spirits and his inhibitions lowered. He’s alone; he could get away with stealing just a few, enough to get a substantial high.</p><p>Renjun shakes his head, physically trying to rid himself of the temptation, slamming the pill bottle down on the counter where he found it. Every part of his body is screaming at him to turn back and give in as he goes back up the stairs, leaving his glass of water on the counter, untouched. </p><p>When Renjun opens the door, Jeno and Jaemin look as if they were seconds from going down to look for him, faces twisted in worry, but Renjun smiles as best as he can to try and reassure them.</p><p>“Hey, I’ve gotta go home, but, uh, I’ll see you guys later.” He moves to hug them both, grabbing his phone and hoodie afterwards.</p><p>Jeno raises an eyebrow, “are you okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine. Mom called.” Renjun lies, not wanting to worry them further. They don’t look satisfied with his answer at all, but they eventually let him go after another round of hugs. </p><p>Renjun leaves through the back door, avoiding the kitchen completely.</p><p>-</p><p>Chenle’s sitting across him on the couch, eyebrow raised and waiting for Renjun to start the conversation. </p><p>Renjun had suspciously called him into the living room after their mother had gone to sleep, with the premise of an honest discussion, so he doesn’t blame his brother for being apprehensive. It’s been days, but he still can’t get his encounter with Taeyong out of his head. He wonders if that’s what unconsciously triggered his sudden bout of depression at Jeno’s house.</p><p>“Are you okay, ‘Le? I mean, are you really okay?” Way to start off ominously, Renjun thinks to himself, if the confused expression on Chenle’s face is anything to go off of, “I had a conversation with a certain person, and it made me think about you.”</p><p>Renjun takes a deep breath, “Is my- am I affecting you in any way?”</p><p>Chenle is visibly taken aback and starts stuttering, unable to come up with a coherent response, “No? No! I’m fine, Renjun, I promise.”</p><p><em>It makes it hard for them to trust</em> </p><p>
  <em>It makes it hard for them to fall in love.</em>
</p><p>The angry words his mother’s hurled towards him in past arguments swim around in his head like a guilty sentence, and there’s nothing he can do to silence them, <em>he idolises you, Renjun! He’d do anything to be like you, he’ll pick up your bad habits!</em></p><p>“Do you ever get curious about trying the things I do?” Renjun finally chokes out, terrified to hear the answer.</p><p>It never comes, Chenle remains looking at his hands, clearly trying to come up with a response but there’s no need anymore. His silence speaks volumes in itself and Renjun’s soul shatters. Under no circumstances can his brother follow in his footsteps, no matter what. Renjun wants to punch walls until his knuckles are bloody at the thought of brother becoming anything like him.</p><p>Without any thought, he leans forward and pulls his brother into the tightest hug he’s ever given, hoping his emotions seep through the embrace.</p><p>“You have to promise me you’ll never follow in my footsteps, Chenle. Don’t do anything you think I would do, and don’t do anything I’ve already done. I want the best for you and I’m sorry I haven’t been the best role model.” Renjun whispers, feeling Chenle relax in his hold and they remain like that for minutes, hours. His heart is heavy in his chest as he lays a blanket over his brother and a pillow under his head, feeling the weight of responsibility pressing on his shoulders.</p><p>Renjun goes to sleep that night feeling emptier than ever.</p><p>-</p><p>Jaemin couldn’t make it tonight.</p><p>It feels empty without his presence, but they fill it by occupying themselves, which proves to be easier than expected. </p><p>One second they’re watching some anime Jeno coerced him into becoming addicted to over the last few weeks, next second they’re staring into each other’s eyes, not breathing a word. The tension is so overwhelming Renjun can barely move, save for their exchanging glances flitting back and forth between eyes and lips.</p><p>Renjun must have read the signs wrong.</p><p>(But Jeno had said he <em>liked</em> him, liked <em>them</em>.)</p><p>He had pressed their lips together impulsively, feeling the comforting softness of Jeno’s lips against his own. The kiss lasts less than a couple seconds before Renjun returns to planet earth and violently pulls away, stammering nonsensical sentences in an attempt to explain the strangeness of the situation away. </p><p>Jeno’s frozen in silence, unsure what to do from here. His lack of response kicks Renjun further down an endless pit of guilt and self deprecation and before he knows it, he’s storming out of Jeno’s room in embarrassment and frustration towards his own impulsive nature. He throws the front door open quickly and climbs onto his bike, rushing to leave.</p><p>He tries to fight the tears but fails, knowing he’s ruined one of the two best things that have ever happened to him. They cascade halfway down his cheeks before their path is interrupted and are blown away by the wind.</p><p>He doesn’t even know how but he finds himself outside of Jaemin’s apartment, the entire journey an emotional blurry haze.</p><p>He knocks, and Jaemin answers in a second, reavealing him clad in form fitting sweatpants, a hoodie, and mussed hair. He looks surprised at Renjun’s presence but also as if he’s been disturbed, “Injun? I thought you were with Jeno?”</p><p>Renjun can’t think, he can’t <em>breathe</em>, “Yeah I was but- it, it doesn’t matter.”</p><p>Jaemin’s eyebrows knit in concern and he reaches out to lay a comforting palm on Renjun’s shoulder but it does nothing to soothe the panic settling in his stomach at an alarming rate, “are you okay?”</p><p>“No? Yes? I don’t- I don’t know, I just need something- a few OCs? Anything, whatever you have.”</p><p>Jaemin’s face falls and he retreats into himself as if he’s been burned. The hand on Renjun’s shoulder falls limply to his side, and he moves cautiously behind the door again, “I can’t help you, Renjun.”</p><p>No, no, <em>no</em>. Renjun <em>needs</em> this, Jaemin has to understand. The panic grows, and soon he can’t stand still, fiddling with his fingers in an attempt not to punch the nearest wall in frustration. The disappointment in Jaemin’s voice is almost tangible, fuelling the gruesome war going on in Renjun’s head. </p><p>“Come on, Jaemin, I need this right now.” He tries to reason, but even he knows he’s way beyond rationale.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Injunnie.” He finally says, expression torn as if he’s internally debating with himself. He apparently comes to a decision and shuts the door on Renjun’s face without another word, leaving him outside staring at the barrier between momentary peace and endless anguish.</p><p>The anger is encompassing, irrational and uncontrollable. As always, it explodes in hurtful, meaningless insults. </p><p>“You did this to me and now you want to have a fucking moral high ground?” He bursts.</p><p>Renjun hates the fact that he’s being denied a high, that he’s being forced to wallow in these terrible, suffocating feelings. He’d do anything to get it to fucking stop.</p><p>“You’re a drug dealer, you have no real job and you ruin people’s lives on the fucking daily”, Renjun spits, uncaring if whether Jaemin can even hear the vicious screams tearing from his throat. He just wants this feeling to go away, and the power is all in Jaemin’s hands. “you don’t get to choose what I do with my fucking life.”</p><p>He hates the fact that he won’t stop talking.</p><p>“You ruined my fucking life, Jaemin, so fix it!” “Open the door and fix it.”</p><p>Renjun hates himself.</p><p>“I can’t find your shit anywhere else Jaemin, <em>please</em>.”</p><p>He’s crying now.</p><p>
  <em>Again.</em>
</p><p>In these past few weeks alone, he’s cried more than he ever has.</p><p>Since Jaemin started dealing, he’s always reiterated that his unbreakable oath is to never get personally involved with clients. Through the blinding anger, Renjun can barely think for a second that he’s already broken his sacred promise.</p><p><em>go home, injunnie</em>, Renjun barely hears and his heart drops to his stomach instantly. His blood is rushing miles a minute, his head is pounding, he feels sick to his stomach, like he’s going to turn inside out from the plummeting anxiety that suddenly plagues him because he hears it in Jaemin’s voice, the pain, the regret, the <em>resolution</em>. He’s screaming and cursing still, shedding blame everywhere he can, prodding every spot that’s sure to hurt, voice hoarse with abuse and yet he knows.</p><p>Jaemin’s not going to open the door.</p><p>-</p><p>Renjun pulls his knees closer to his chest, sinking into the cushion of the booth. Taeyong’s sitting opposite him, nursing his green tea, eyes bored. </p><p>His presence is still so intimidating that Renjun feels himself begin to ramble, definitely influenced by the amphetamines he’d managed to obtain, diverting from the story he’d originally started. Somehow he’s started talking about Jaemin.</p><p> “Jaemin was everything I wanted to be and everything I wanted to have so when I got drugs from him it felt like he was suddenly in reach. Now we actually have a functioning relationship, I wonder what thirteen year old me would be thinking. Probably freaking out, I mean also because I’m a drug addict now but I think thirteen year old Renjun would be more concerned with the fact that I’ve slept in the same bed as Na Jaemin. I think most of my issues started at thirteen, I can only remember good things from before then-“</p><p>Taeyong clears his throat, interrupting Renjun’s tangent, “Sorry to cut you off, but why are you telling me this?”</p><p>Renjun pauses and thinks. He’s not sure himself, he’d just started talking. Probably the drugs.</p><p>After a moment of silence, Taeyong rephrases himself, “Why did you call me?”</p><p>Shrugging, Renjun sinks even deeper into himself, “I didn’t really have anybody else to talk to.”</p><p>It’s true.</p><p>Jeno hasn’t texted him in three days.</p><p>The world must have been making fun of his misery because the day after his meltdown outside of Jaemin’s door, it’s at this perfect timing that Jeno finds out about the way he’d treated Jaemin, and also that he’d relapsed.</p><p>Jeno, the sweetheart, tried his best to hide his frustration and disappointment but it was horribly obvious that he was mad. He never brought up the kiss, and Renjun takes it as a sign.</p><p> </p><p>“Renjun I already told you that I don’t want to be around you if you keep taking drugs.” Jeno had sighed. He was visibly exasperated, running his hand through his hair and words clipped short as if he was trying to uphold a facade.</p><p>“Please.” Renjun whispered, the <em>I cant live without you</em> going unsaid but Jeno hears it as loud as a scream. He’s weak and pulled him into a hug before Renjun could even finish getting his next words out, “I can’t do this without you.”</p><p>Jeno had conveniently forgotten that Renjun can’t live without the drugs either.</p><p> </p><p>Taeyong’s voice brings him back to the present, “Well, what happened to make you call?”</p><p>He contemplates lying, calling off the entire meeting, then remembers what Taeyong had said to him over the phone, <em>drug addicts don’t reach out for help unless there are no other options</em>. Maybe he’s out of options. Besides, Taeyong actually looks concerned, like he cares and for the first time, Renjun isn’t incredibly unnerved when he talks, “I was with my best friend- well, a new friend, but we hang out every day.”</p><p>“Jaemin?”</p><p>“No, Jeno.”</p><p>Taeyong says nothing, so Renjun continues.</p><p>“I uh, I made a promise I couldn’t keep and then I misread a situation in the worst way possible, so now things are going to be really fucking awkward.”</p><p>“Sobriety? Was that your promise?”</p><p>Renjun says nothing and Taeyong sighs. “You know it’s not fair for anyone to set an ultimatum on your sobriety, especially if you aren’t ready yourself. The road to sobriety is slow, and very bumpy, pressure just makes it worse.”</p><p>“I <em>know</em>, I know, but then I had to go straight to Jaemin’s house, the other person I’m in love with and screamed at him through his front door. I said he <em>ruined my life</em>. I said my addiction was <em>his</em> fault.”</p><p>Renjun barely realises what he’s said until it’s too late. <em>The other person I’m in love with</em>. He’s in love with them. He doesn’t even think it over, refuses to take back his words when it seems so obvious now that he’s said it aloud.</p><p>He’s in love with them.</p><p>Taeyong just observes his realisation with a watchful eye, “Does the way in which you feel for them remind you of anything?”</p><p>Raising his eyebrow, Renjun responds. He doesn’t like where this is going, “What do you mean?”</p><p>“The obsession, the feelings, the withdrawal. Nothing?”</p><p>Incredulous, Renjun gapes, “<em>drugs</em>?”</p><p>Taeyong makes a strange gesture, like he’s indicating the obvious, and Renjun’s eyebrows slowly knit together.</p><p>“What? There’s no way- this is a good thing.” He doesn’t know why he feels so caught out, like he has to prove himself.</p><p>“Didn’t drugs feel real good when you first tried them?”</p><p>-</p><p>Both Jeno and Jaemin have clearly begun distancing themselves from Renjun and, confusingly, each other. He’d expected it to hurt, obviously, but not this much. From the way he’d treated them both, Renjun knows he deserves it but having them stripped away from him so suddenly leaves him painfully lost, like he’s drowning and gasping for air.</p><p>He fills the void with drugs, downers. Not uppers. Uppers force him to be awake, alert, filled with energy, they make colours pop until his head hurts, they force him to focus, to concentrate. He doesn’t want to think right now, and the downers help. They make him sleepy, sedate him, make it difficult to hold onto even a single thought. He’s always loved opiates. They make it easy.</p><p> </p><p>It’s been six days and Jaemin hasn’t texted him, hasn’t called him, hasn’t sent him a single random photo of himself with Jeno, Jeno’s cats or his own parent’s dog. On the other hand, Jeno hasn’t turned up at his house unannounced, laptop in hand so they can watch movies.</p><p> </p><p>Life is empty without them. There’s no Jaemin attempting to smother him with kisses at any given moment, and he only ever sees Jeno at lunch but by then, they’re too tired and swamped with homework to even talk to each other properly. He didn’t realise how much of his life was occupied by Jeno and Jaemin. It’s almost scary, how his life has been turned upside down so unexpectedly.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun doesn’t think he can take this anymore. He feels out of place, bored constantly. There’s no point in doing anything anymore and he’s having to take more to get the same high. He’s had enough of being without Jeno and Jaemin, enough of the slight rift between him and Mark, enough of the guilt.</p><p>
  <strong>Renjun</strong><br/>
<em>i’m sorry. I know I haven’t been a good friend lately and I really want to make it up to you. lmk when you’re free?</em>
</p><p>Renjun retypes and deletes the message over and over again, completely unsatisfied and nervous for the outcome. He doesn’t think he can handle Mark being mad at him any longer.  As expected, his best friend responds in mere seconds, quenching the anxiety pooling in Renjun’s stomach.</p><p>
  <strong>Mark</strong><br/>
<em>I know</em><br/>
<em>You’re going through a lot rn and I know I should have been more understanding</em><br/>
<em>P.s you’re my best friend ofc I forgive you</em><br/>
<em>bbq next week?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Renjun</strong><br/>
<em>what happened was entirely my fault, no debate.</em><br/>
<em>just us two?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Mark</strong><br/>
<em>Yep just us two</em><br/>
<em>:P</em>
</p><p>The smile that crosses his face is impossible to suppress, and he wants to cry at how easy it’s always been to fall right back into their natural dynamic. Renjun doesn’t deserve anyone nearly as thoughtful and understanding as Mark Lee.</p><p>Subconsciously, he knew Mark would be easy. He’s had to do this multiple times before when he’d loose control of temper almost every other day. The real challenges would be Jeno and Jaemin.</p><p>His hands are positively shaking as he presses the call button on Jaemin’s contact.</p><p>“Hello?” </p><p>Renjun panics at the sound of Jaemin’s voice, and almost ends the call. He forces himself to breathe.</p><p>“Hi.”</p><p>“Injun?”</p><p>“Yeah. It’s me. I’m sorry I took so long to call.”</p><p>Jaemin says nothing, and Renjun takes a shaky breath, preparing himself for his next words. “I owe you an apology. I said some really fucked up shit that I didn’t mean.”</p><p>“Injunnie, I love you, but you’re a drug addict. I don’t take anything drug addicts say personally, because I don’t believe anything that drug addicts say.” Jaemin laughs, but there’s no joy in the sound. “I love you, I hate you, you’re the best, go fuck yourself, it’s all the same shit. It’s means to an end.”</p><p>Renjun winces at how true Jaemin’s words are. “I know. But I need you to know that I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”</p><p> </p><p>“You sober?” Jaemin asks, avoiding his apology.</p><p>Renjun sighs. He has been for the past three days, “Painfully so.”</p><p>“And how’s that?”</p><p>“It’s weird. The highs are high.” He hasn’t had many of those recently. “But the lows, yeah, they’re low.”</p><p>They stay on the phone for a while after that, talking about everything and nothing in between. He’d really missed this, simply existing with Jaemin, hearing him work on his school projects, counting his profit for the day. He missed Jaemin.</p><p>He misses Jeno, too.</p><p>Apologising to him ends up being easier than he thought it would be.</p><p>Apparently, they’d both been carrying a lot of guilt on their shoulders, apologising profusely to each other.</p><p>Jeno bursts. It’s almost strange to hear Jeno say so much in so little time that isn’t related to basketball. He usually prefers to sit at listen to the chaos Jaemin and Renjun are creating at any given moment. </p><p>He must feel really terrible. “I shouldn’t have put so much pressure on you, it was a really shitty thing to do and it’s probably why you relapsed. I’ve been talking to Jaemin and we both realised that we really negatively impacted you when you needed us the most. I don’t blame you if you hate me right now.”</p><p>Renjun almost double takes at the prospect of hating either Jeno or Jaemin. He quickly realises that there’s nothing the either of them could do to make him hate them. Nothing. He doesn’t know what that means, other than it’s probably not normal.</p><p>“There’s no way I could hate you. Like ever. There is nothing you could do to make me hate you.” </p><p>It’s scary how much he means it.</p><p>-</p><p>Two weeks later, Renjun goes to meet Taeyong again, at the same cafe. This time the pretty man tells him that their relationship won’t last, that he needs to be prepared to fight his addiction without them, because nothing in high school lasts forever. It sends Renjun into a panic, he’d never even entertained the possibility of a future life without Jaemin and Jeno.</p><p>Their relationship will last.</p><p>It needs to last.</p><p>Because Renjun has fallen dependent on them.</p><p>(They’re all dependent on each other, Renjun fails to realise.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>comment renjun best boy bc character development</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“I think I’m in love with you and Jeno.”</p><p> </p><p>  <em>what the fuck.</em></p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>not me taking a month to write this chapter loool<br/>sorry for the wait school’s been kicking my ass</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Renjun’s been clean for exactly one month and four days. It’s the longest he’s gone since he turned sixteen years old and to be honest, he’s not exactly sure what’s pushing him to keep going the way he is. </p><p>He wonders if maybe it’s just the residual intimidation from the dressing down Taeyong had given him outside of the NA meeting (yes <em>residual</em>, he’s finally managed to grasp a hold on his nerves when he interacts with his unofficial mentor now). Or, maybe it’s out of the genuine fear that Chenle will blindly follow him into a lifetime of bad habits. There are many, many probable clauses, but Renjun knows the biggest factor is merely an unfortunate concept. Nothing tangible, but something he never wants to feel on that level again.</p><p>Loneliness.</p><p>The encompassing loneliness he’d been struck with in those weeks without contact from any of his friends, the look of sheer disappointment on Jeno’s face when he’d found out Renjun had relapsed. The poorly concealed effects of the ruthless insults he’d thrown at Jaemin; the way Jaemin’d obviously be reminded every time they so much as talked, hurt lacing his features. Having no one to talk to, to confide in, not being considered trustworthy enough by even his family members.</p><p>So maybe it’s for selfish reasons but since apologising to Jeno and Jaemin, Renjun hasn’t touched a single drug. It’s really fucking weird, being sober.</p><p>To start off with, there was obviously round two of withdrawal symptoms from hell; a fever so severe he thought it would kill him, cold chills throughout the night but sweating clean through two separate bedsheets. This time insomnia had grasped it’s hands upon Renjun, leaving him irritable and painstakingly bored throughout the long nights whenever he wasn’t keeled over the toilet.</p><p>Withdrawal symptoms are unimaginably hellish, but they never last long for him. The real drawback that takes Renjun for a spin is emotionally dealing with being sober after so long, it’s like suddenly being thrust into the middle of a complex game that you barely know the rules to.</p><p> </p><p>To Renjun, sobriety described in one word would be <em>empty</em>, especially when he’s alone. It’s almost boring; there aren’t any highs, any hallucinations, nothing to induce you into sleep, nothing to lower your inhibitions. Functioning on a continuous high for so long leaves Renjun’s body unsure where to go next.</p><p>He’s never really alone for long however, whether it be Jaemin coming over whenever he so much as hints towards a craving or talking on the phone to Jeno all night when he can’t sleep. It helps that Jeno is wonderfully supportive this time, always dragging Renjun out of the depths of his own head when he’s silent for too long, lost in his own thoughts. Renjun appreciates them.</p><p>He’s also finally allowed to go see Jaemin again.</p><p>Seeing as he’s properly clean now, Jaemin has finally granted him access to his apartment again, after placing him on a strict ban that lasted almost two months. He was mad at first and definitely a little hurt but now he realises it was in his best interests. He doesn’t think he could’ve handled being in such close quarters with one of the best things in his life, and also the worst. The temptation is great even now.</p><p>It’s almost foreign stepping into Jaemin’s building after being restricted for so long, and the familiar scent of his apartment is almost comforting. He’s given no time to revel or even glance in the direction of the room Renjun knows is stacked with drugs, before Jaemin’s tugging him into the the living room and positively throwing him onto the couch. He then goes to turn on a console underneath his wide tv screen, chucking a black controller in Renjun direction, which he thankfully catches before it hits him in face.</p><p> </p><p>Currently, Renjun is spending his first time visiting Jaemin in his house in two months getting his ass handed to him in mario kart; Renjun would be foolish to expect any less of a reunion involving Jaemin. They’re sitting next to each other, controllers in hand and thighs touching, sending warmth straight up to Renjun’s cheeks, tinging them a warm pink. His heart is going crazy in his chest and he subconsciously looks over at Jaemin, as if he’d be able to hear. </p><p>After admitting his feelings to Taeyong, Renjun has been hyper aware of any contact he has with Jeno and Jaemin to the point where it’s almost embarrassing. It’s so inconvenient; every time they touch it feels as if his heart is beating out of his chest and he becomes stupidly nervous in a way he’s never felt before; a <em>good</em> way, not the kind of nerves he associates with that terrible suffocating feeling, the inability to control his own breathing. </p><p> </p><p>They keep dying and Renjun’s getting increasingly frustrated, admittedly way too vexed for a video game, leading to Jaemin carefully confiscating the controller from him before he actually breaks it, barely concealing a grin as he advises a break. Reluctantly, Renjun allows him to pry the controller from his hands, even though he’s effectively robbing him of a chance to redeem his six losses in a row.</p><p>(Jaemin allows him to believe in the possibility that he could’ve won; ignorance means bliss and a docile Renjun.)</p><p>Now, they’re just talking with mario kart music playing in the background. Renjun flops on his back after a while, lying with his head in Jaemin’s lap; which turns out to be a bad idea, a really bad fucking idea because now he has nowhere else to look except at Jaemin’s face. Jaemin’s perfectly sculpted, beautiful face.</p><p>He’s smiling down at him and Renjun swears there’s a hint of something, fondness. Renjun’s blush has probably reached his toes by now.</p><p>Renjun is <em>clean</em>, he has to reiterate one last time. Meaning, he can’t blame the words that have just come out of his mouth on a stupid high.</p><p>“I think I’m in love with you and Jeno.” </p><p>
  <em>what the fuck.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>After long, hard discussion with himself and cautious thought, Renjun has come to the conclusion that if it wasn’t the drugs, he must have gotten possessed in that split second. There’s no way that was <em>him</em> talking, no fucking way. Renjun wouldn’t consciously embarrass himself like that. Slowly, he sits up and wills himself not to take off running out of the apartment.</p><p>He braved a glance at Jaemin, who’s dumbfounded expression hasn’t changed by a muscle, and they simply stare at each other for a good minute, barely even blinking. Renjun’s sure that if Jaemin couldn’t hear his heartbeat before, he can certainly hear it now.</p><p>He’s <em>just</em> salvaged his relationship with Jeno after the kiss and he’s barely managed to patch over the chaotic aftermath of the event, and here he goes again, ruining relationships. He’s not prepared to be chucked into another relapse, which he knows is inevitable if he loses either of them, sooner or later. He’s not prepared to hurt anyone he cares about agai-</p><p>“I think I’m in love with you guys too.”</p><p>“Oh.” Renjun says intelligently.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Renjun’s still trying and failing to process exactly what Jaemin’s just admitted, and what this means (are they supposed to date now? what about Jeno? Do they really want to get into a relationship with a drug addict? Does Jeno even like them like that?), when Jaemin proceeds to pick up his controller, press resume game and whoop Renjun’s ass in mario kart as if they hadn’t fucking confessed to each other.</p><p>(????, Renjun thinks because spoken language has fucking left him.)</p><p>-</p><p>Contrary to how Renjun expected events to play out, they don’t really talk about what happened at Jaemin’s apartment after that. Jaemin acts like nothing happened when they next see each other, and Renjun takes the hint,  following suit and doing exactly the same. It’s almost like they were before, and maybe the untrained eye would be fooled into thinking their dynamic is unchanged.</p><p>For the most part, it is. There aren’t any explicit changes, and they’re still loosely guidelined by the dynamic of ‘friends’, but the air between the three of them is significantly different; charged, like there’s an unspoken truth between them all. (There is, they’re all in fucking love and aren’t doing anything about it).</p><p>Renjun hadn’t noticed before, he was too distracted by the drugs in his veins and the thoughts in his head but since the first day Jaemin had met Jeno, he’d gradually changed the way he treats Renjun. He’s Jaemin, so of course there are still crude jokes and suggestive glances, but gone are the days of him making passes at anyone who isn’t Jeno or Renjun. He can’t even act like he doesn’t know what that means for them.</p><p>Renjun also knows his near overdose on fentanyl has changed the three of them drastically - for better or worse, who knows - but Jaemin’s become surprisingly less self directed and more careful, thoughtful, cautious of his references and possession of drugs around Renjun so as to not negatively influence him. </p><p>Honestly, Renjun’s still shocked that Jaemin chose to put him above his business, deciding not to sell to him anymore to protect his well being. He makes sure Renjun’s eating properly, guides him through the struggles of his cravings. </p><p>Recently during their conversations, Renjun’s also noticed Jaemin’s concentration faltering, barely listening, instead staring at him until Renjun prompts him to pay attention. He always listens for a short while before his glances flit back to his lips. Renjun can’t lie and say he doesn’t love feeling wanted.</p><p> </p><p>Jaemin must have told Jeno something at least because at lunch when they’re all just sitting together and talking after they’ve finished their food, Jeno will sometimes play with his hand under the table or occasionally lace their fingers together.</p><p>Whenever Renjun looks at him in questioning, Jeno pointedly avoids eye contact and continues his conversation with Mark and Donghyuck, but there’s always a smile tracing his lips, as if it’s their little secret.</p><p>Renjun is stupidly in love.</p><p>-</p><p>It’s even worse when all three of them are together. </p><p>It’s almost like they don’t know how to behave around each other now that their feelings are out in the open. Jeno, as easily embarrassed as ever, becomes a new source of entertainment for Jaemin, who’s apparently made it his life mission to fluster Jeno as much as possible in this life. His plethora of methods involve timely winks, air kisses that they both roll their eyes to and intimate gestures like tucking stands of hair behind his ear and wrapping Jeno’s arms around his waist so Jaemin can sit comfortably in his lap, his new favourite seat these days. </p><p>Jeno’s a fool and wears his heart on his sleeve so it quickly becomes glaringly obvious that he definitely likes Jaemin and certainly loves the attention. To the point where he pulls Jaemin into occasional hugs, takes his hand to hold when they watch movies and pulls Jaemin into his lap without the other even initiating it.</p><p>It’s constant flitting glances, stares that last too long and actions that dangerously toe the line between friendship and flirting (mainly coming from Jaemin, no surprise there). Needless to say their friends are sick of it, Mark actually kicking them out of his home on one occasion, after Jaemin had slapped Jeno’s ass one too many times. They’d gone home that day in fits of giggles and almost kisses.</p><p>So, no, they’re not dating, but they might as well be.</p><p>-</p><p>Renjun raises his hand before he can talk himself out of it. Everyone’s eyes snap to him instantly, probably because this is one of the first times Renjun has willingly offered to speak in front of the NA group without being called on. He’d give anything not to be in this predicament right now, but he owes this to everyone in the room; especially himself.</p><p>The lady who runs most of the NA meetings is a doting short old woman who secretly favours all of the young people who attend the meetings, always offering them cookies and lollipops to keep them sated and happy even though the majority of them are or would be finishing university by now. She stops speaking abruptly and smiles kindly, clearly shocked as well, encouraging Renjun to speak. He doesn’t want to disappoint her, but he has no choice.</p><p>He can feel Taeyong’s gaze on him as he stands from his seat in the hall, willing himself to breathe properly before he finally speaks.<br/>
“Hi everyone, I’m Renjun and I’m an addict.” </p><p>The group choruses out a <em>’hi, Renjun’</em> like they always do when people share their stories. Renjun silently hopes they don’t hate him after this.</p><p>“I guess I wanted to just make amends with everyone.” He runs his hands through his hair in an attempt to calm his nerves and avoids eye contact with everyone in the room but Taeyong, who’s looking at his with an encouraging expression, one that almost looks like <em>pride</em>.</p><p>“Because every time I’ve shared in the group I was lying. Every time I collected a medal, whether it was 30 days, or 60 days, or 90 days, I was lying.”</p><p>“But um, I met two very important people and they’ve helped.” He looks up for the first time and everyone’s listening, no one’s turned away, no one has demanded that he be kicked out. He continues, “and now I want to stay clean. For real. Shit- maybe that’s me being selfish and it might be the worst reason ever, but uh, I’ve been clean for a month and a half. It’s been okay. I’ve actually been really happy for the most part.”</p><p>Overlooking the blip at the beginning of his sobriety, he really has been. When Chenle isn’t ignoring his entire existence in favour of talking to his best friend, Jisung, on the phone, their relationship is stronger than it has been since Renjun was fifteen and his younger brother was twelve. He’s also much closer to his mother now, and it feels like the beginning of summer all over again (minus his overdose, obviously.)</p><p>He thinks about Jeno’s crescent moon eye smile that he always flashes when he’s really excited about something and the feeling of their fingers interlaced. He thinks about the sensation of Jaemin’s warm cuddles, watching him tackle a poor Jeno to the couch to assault him with hugs and kisses. Then he thinks about living without all of those things. Impossible.</p><p>“So yeah, I guess I just wanted to come up here and apologise. Thank you.”</p><p>The group is completely silent for a moment, before they start clapping earnestly. Renjun musters up the bravery to look up at them, and they’re all looking at him with expressions of sympathy and compassion, none of them mad like he thought they’d be. It’s exactly how Taeyong said it would go.</p><p>Renjun takes his seat again once the old lady thanks him for being honest with them and tells him to find her afterwards for a lollipop and a hug. Finally, he lets out a sigh of utter relief. </p><p>Baby steps, he reminds himself, baby steps.</p><p>-</p><p>It’s early evening and rather warm, even though there‘s a slight chill in the air that raised goosebumps on Renjun’s skin on the way here. He’s seated with his friends on the indoor school bleachers, chatting amiably. They’re surrounded by deafening noise and enthusiastic yelling, perfectly setting the scene for the game Renjun’s about to witness. </p><p>Per Mark’s request, Donghyuck and Yukhei have forcefully dragged almost every single one of their friends to this game. </p><p>Renjun wouldn’t have missed this game regardless; he’s attended every single one of Mark’s matches since the beginning of high school and now, there was the added glinting prospect that Jeno was also playing today. Since moving here, it’s going to be his first match on this team and Renjun knows he’s shitting himself, if his panicked texts from an hour ago are anything to go off of.</p><p>Still, Renjun has to applaud the pair’s efforts. They’d even managed to get Eunbin to come, a very recognisable feat when the junior is rarely seen awake or sober outside of lessons. Absently, Renjun wonders what they must have bribed her with to get her out of the house. Even still, Renjun won’t tell anyone, but he has sneaking suspicions that she’s high as a kite right now. (He’d be able to tell; obviously). </p><p>Renjun himself had brought along Jaemin, who’d begged to come upon finding out that Jeno was playing, and he’d ended up inviting one of his uni friends, Jang Yeeun. To his indignation, Jaemin was quickly forgotten about upon the group meeting Yeeun, seeing as everyone had successfully managed to develop minor crushes on the pretty first year. She’s incredibly charming, Renjun must admit.</p><p>Aside from the two uni students, the rest of the group consists of the usual members, plus a few of Donghyuck’s friends.</p><p>Donghyuck’s trying to snap a selfie with the entire group when everything suddenly gets louder by a tenfold, and Renjun knows the teams are about to enter. Like everyone else in the stadium, Yeeun starts clapping excitedly to his right and Jaemin’s busies himself trying to point Jeno out to her in the crowd.</p><p>After a couple minutes and a few announcements, Mark shakes hands with the other captain and the match finally begins. </p><p>Except for the random evenings when Jeno calls Renjun and Jaemin out to the basketball court in the local park, they realise that they’ve never seen Jeno play before, and they’ve certainly never seen him play like <em>this</em>. Jeno’s hair is held back by a black headband, his forehead exposed and eyebrows furrowed as he dashes from one side of the court to the other. It’s attractive, the way Jeno handles the ball with such skill and confidence.</p><p>Mark and Jeno play well together, as if there’s some sort of telepathic connection between them and the team soon racks up so many points Renjun can barely keep track. The other team is certainly holding their own but they’re up against an unfairly strong enemy. Sixty minutes passes quickly with a few casualties, a couple switch outs and finally, a win.</p><p>The timer reaches zero and the crowd goes <em>wild</em>.</p><p>(The asshole from the party was benched the entire match, Renjun realises in amusement. Serves him right.)</p><p>Sweaty and breathless from exertion, Jeno searches for them in the crowd before he locks eyes with the two from his position on the court and smiles a proud smile that makes Renjun’s insides turn to jelly and ignites a grin on Jaemin’s lips. Renjun wills the butterflies in his stomach to go away before Jaemin notices how whipped he is for them both.</p><p>Instantly, he’s enveloped in chaos and Renjun’s  honestly never heard quiet, wholesome Dejun be this loud in his entire life; it’s a novelty he can definitely learn to appreciate. Meanwhile, Yukhei, Yangyang and Yuqi are also all collectively bursting his eardrums, but that’s to be expected in any given situation really.</p><p>Thankfully, the teams are called off the court before the trio get too rowdy and the crowd settles while Renjun relaxes into conversation with his closest friends.</p><p>He’s listening to some convoluted story Elkie and Yuqi are trying to explain to them when he suddenly becomes hyper aware of the warm palm Jaemin has casually placed across his thigh, squeezing slightly. Renjun is sure he’s stopped breathing, that he’s dying right here in front of everyone.</p><p>It’s safe to say that Renjun hears not a single word after that, heavily focused on warmth emanating from Jaemin’s hand and the way that his single palm covers the entire stretch of his thigh. </p><p>He’s only snapped out of his thoughts when Jeno and Mark appear behind them, changed out of their basketball uniforms, triggering the group to start congratulating them loudly, with slaps on the back and screams of praise. Donghyuck and Mark have started making out to everyone’s voiced disgust and Renjun wonders why he’s involved in such chaos.</p><p>In the midst of being positively attacked, Jeno sends a private smile towards Renjun and Jaemin, soft and blushy, and he completely forgets about the trauma occurring to his left. Renjun’s in fucking love.</p><p>They’re outside of the indoor arena, walking towards the train station with plans to go out to eat when Jeno seems to finally notice Yeeun’s presence, visibly. The way his blush shoots up his neck is almost comical, and he begins to stammer as if he hadn’t just carried an entire basketball game for hundreds of people to watch.</p><p>Unfazed, Jaemin introduces Yeeun to a very flustered Jeno, who manages a single coherent sentence. Renjun’s not going to lie, he’s hit by a glimmer of insecurity at the sight of Jeno’s obvious reaction to Yeeun. Dark doubts swim in his head before he shoots them down, but it’s too late, he’s already wondering if he’s pretty enough, slender enough, ideal enough, <em>feminine</em> enough to satisfy Jeno.</p><p>Clearly, Yeeun doesn’t know what to say, mouthing a few words that never make it out before laughing, rattled. She’s cute, Renjun thinks, a perfect parter. Her and Jeno would look really good together, hypothetically.</p><p>Eunbin just scoffs at the situation at hand, tearing Renjun out of his thoughts and throwing a comfortable arm around Yeeun’s shoulder like she’s known her for years, pushing them to continue walking, “Ignore him. Jeno’s an idiot who gets shy around pretty people. He’s in love with Renjun and Jaemin anyway.”</p><p>Donghyuck laughs loudly and nudges Yeji, a straight person, “See? This straightness, it’s a disease! Look what it turns people into!”</p><p>“Donghyuck, stop being heterophobic, Jeno can do whatever he likes.” Mark teases, a lazy smile tracing his lips.</p><p>Elkie joins in, punching Donghyuck in the shoulder, “Yeah, Donghyuck!”</p><p>“Ok, lesbian.”</p><p>“Hey, I’m straight!” Elkie protests - even though she’s most certainly <em>not</em>.</p><p>“I’m not straight! I’m bisexual!” Jeno whines indignantly.</p><p>Everyone just pretends not to hear them.</p><p>(Renjun’s nerves are quietened considerably when Jeno slips a hand into his, interlacing their fingers and pulling Jaemin closer by the elbow. They lag behind the rest of the group, lost in their own world.)</p><p>-</p><p>Renjun doesn’t remember the last time they’d all gathered together like this, nor the last time he’s had food this good.</p><p>They’re seated in a small diner drenched in mood lighting and purple fairy lights, one cheap enough that ten high schoolers and two uni students can afford comfortably. They’re seated by a large floor to ceiling window which lets Renjun look onto the street and opposite buildings glinting in the darkness, and he absentmindedly finds himself drifting off into thought, wondering exactly what the people in the surrounding buildings are doing and the contrasting lives they live in such close proximity. </p><p>He presses his forehead against the cold glass, watching raindrops slide down the pane, leaving streaks in their wake that glint prettily in the street lights. Every now and then, pairs of drunk lovers and groups of friends will pass the window, lost in their own worlds, and there’s something about the atmosphere, the ambience, being surrounded by the laughter of his friends and sitting with the two people he loves that leaves Renjun with a strange feeling, like he’s living in a hazy memory. It’s a good feeling, he thinks.</p><p>Beside him, Jeno and Mark are recounting some story about their team to the table, which they’re all enjoying as they wait for the rest of their food. Across him, Yuqi and Yukhei keep alternating between laughing loudly over absolutely nothing and also fighting over absolutely nothing to everyone’s amusement, eventually reaching the point where Yeji has to force herself between them so they can eat in peace without getting kicked out of the diner. </p><p>Renjun is convinced that they share the same identity. It’s dangerous for everyone around them that they’re best friends.</p><p>By the time they’re ordering their main meals, Elkie is once again trying to convince everyone that she isn’t a lesbian even though she practically devours Yeeun with her eyes alone when she thinks no one is looking. (Yeeun seems more than pleased when Renjun points that out).</p><p>In the corner of his eye, Renjun spots Jaemin, the fucking flirt, reaching across the table to wipe Jeno’s bottom lip, effectively interrupting his and Mark’s entire conversation. Jaemin sits back down with a stupid smirk as Jeno’s blush colours his cheeks a rosy pink and everyone else groans loudly at Jaemin’s brazenness.</p><p>The food finally comes after another ten minutes, which seems to bring Eunbin back to the land of the lucid and she seems to only realise now that there have been conversations taking place in the time frame that she’s been staring at her phone, even though Yangyang’s been chattering in her ear for the past five minutes. Everybody just laughs at her hopelessness, Yangyang cusses her in expletive Chinese for not listening to him and that’s officially when everything goes to hell.</p><p>Everyone who understands either laughs or scolds him, triggering arguments across the table in angry mandarin. As expected, Yuqi and Yukhei take that as an opening to start bickering once again, this time over who speaks the other’s native language better. Renjun and Elkie try to translate for their Korean friends to the best of their ability once they start whining about feeling left out.</p><p>Yeeun looks terribly shocked, like she can’t believe what she’s walked into, Renjun can’t blame her. Donghyuck just sits there laughing at all of the chaos, tucked into Mark’s side and filming it all. Renjun goes to grab his phone to turn it on him, but Donghyuck just pulls it out of reach and continues filming to likely put on his story later.</p><p>After a few threats at each other’s lives, the chaos finally settles and they’re eating over calm conversation like a normal group of friends. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Injun?”</p><p>Renjun looks up from his food when Donghyuck calls him. Everybody’s still invested in their own converstations, but they gradually fall quiet one by one as Donghyuck continues speaking, “we all just wanted to say we’re really glad that you’re sober. We know we’re not always the best influences so I think it’s really great that you’ve come so far. We’re proud of you.”</p><p>Renjun’s shocked into silence. </p><p>He truly has the best group of friends in the entire world.</p><p>A silence overcomes them as they wait for Renjun’s response, everybody unsure what to say and when to say it, but even still Renjun feels their support radiating off of them. Suddenly, Dejun starts clapping, instantly breaking the tension. Heads instantly snap towards him, but Yeeun’s quick to follow suit, clapping cheerfully, and soon the whole diner’s clapping for Renjun.</p><p>It feels surreal. There’s all of these people clapping just because he’s sober, even people he doesn’t even know; granted, they have no idea what they’re clapping for, but still. He feels Jeno’s hand slide into his grip and squeeze tightly and he looks over to see him and Jaemin smiling at him in pride.</p><p>Fuck, now he’s crying.</p><p>The table proceeds to panic.</p><p>“Oh no, he’s crying!”  </p><p>“Did we upset him?”</p><p>“What do we do?”</p><p>“Well, my girlfriend said that in situations like thi-“</p><p>“You don’t have a fucking girlfriend, Lucas!”</p><p>Yukhei flushes and shoves his best friend, who was leaning on his shoulder. “Shut up, Yuqi! I’m trying to explain something here!”</p><p>Everyone else collectively shakes their heads in defeat. </p><p>Renjun must look crazy right now, laughing through his tears with a whole diner watching him, but there’s suddenly nowhere he’d rather be. Here, with all of his friends, Renjun realises that he’s happy. It’s certainly been a while.</p><p>-</p><p>Typical to their luck, it had begun drizzling once again as soon as they’d stepped outdoors to commute home after finishing their meals. They’re all walking under a makeshift covering of coats and scarves, except for Donghyuck who, ever dramatic, dashes towards the bus stop in an unnecessary haste to get under the shelter, leaving everyone else behind. He sticks his middle finger up at everyone who complains about the gust of cold, wet air he sends in their direction.</p><p>Once they’re all sat under the bus shelter, huddled in a tight circle to avoid the rain and talking happily, Jaemin inconspicuously pulls Renjun to the side, away from the group, catching Jeno’s eye with a wink that doesn’t go unnoticed by Renjun. Removed from the noise and chatter, Renjun and Jaemin lean against the shelter, hidden privately away from everyone else’s view.</p><p>Renjun leans with his back against the clear pane, looking up at Jaemin who’s standing in front of him. Standing out in the open, the drizzle is slowly soaking them and they’re so close, Renjun feels like can trace every droplet dripping off of every strand of Jaemin’s hair. </p><p>The tension is so palpable that it’s almost tangible. Jaemin’s beautiful, Renjun realises for the nth time; his wet skin glistening in the moonlight, his eyes shining in the glow of his good mood, they’re hormonal teenagers and it’s obvious through his blemishes and scars, but all of his imperfections are highlighted in Renjun’s lens, making him that much more beautiful, that much more <em>real</em>.</p><p>They’re not speaking, but Renjun doesn’t think anything needs to be said when their eyes are already speaking for them. Renjun sees Jaemin’s obvious gaze keep flitting back to his lips, and it’s as if there’s a barely noticeable force pulling them together by the second. Their noses are almost touching.</p><p>The comforting feeling of the rain and the raucous noise of their friends fades into the background as Renjun focuses solely on Jaemin’s pink lips. They’re so close they could kiss. Obviously, Jaemin is travelling along a similar train of thought.</p><p>“I wanna kiss you.” Jaemin whispers quietly, encapsulating the moment between them with gentleness and Renjun feels his heart flutter uncontrollably in his chest.</p><p>He’s hit by a bout of confidence he’s only ever gotten while high and his mouth is moving before he even remembers how to form words, “I want you-“ he cups Jaemin’s cheek with his damp palm, “to wanna kiss me so bad, that you don’t even ask.”</p><p>Jaemin’s eyes widen momentarily but that’s all it takes before he’s crushing their lips together. Renjun kisses back immediately and it’s warm, comforting and feels like everything he’s ever wanted, Jaemin’s lips soft against his and hands quickly coming to lay purchase by his hips. Sinking into the feeling, Renjun cups Jaemin’s cheek with his other hand, pressing closer, and he suddenly wants to laugh at the cliche of kissing under the rain. Only Jaemin, he thinks.</p><p>He ignores the little voice in the back of his mind that wonders what this exact moment would feel like under the influence, how the feeling of the hands around his waist would be enhanced even though their already burning through his clothes, how the sensations would skyrocket his to another euphoric dimension. Unconsciously, he deepens their kiss, almost as if he’s trying to firm that he’s satisfied right row, satisfied with Jaemin. He truly is.</p><p>It’s at this moment when the calm drizzle of rain slightly intensifies and the rain begins to soak their hair, cascading in rivets down their cheeks and in between their lips. He can feel Jaemin smiling into the kiss and Renjun’s instantly hit by a swarm of butterflies in his stomach. He almost can’t believe how gone he is for Jaemin.</p><p>Minds elsewhere and lips occupied, they fail to notice Jeno getting up from where he’s sat with the rest of their friends and walking up towards them. He starts when he spots them, and that’s when Jaemin and Renjun finally part; Renjun flushing all the way to his toes and Jaemin becoming incredibly smug and proud to no one’s surprise and Renjun’s sheer embarrassment.</p><p>There’s a moment of strange, tense silence before they start giggling like fools, laughing at the irony of their situation. Once again, no words need to be spoken and Renjun feels secure in Jeno and Jaemin’s presence, their futures, something he hasn’t felt in a long time.</p><p>Renjun blinks and suddenly Jeno’s lunging forwards, caputuring Jaemin’s lips in a chaste, brief kiss. For a moment, all three of them seem to be shocked into utter silence at what Jeno’s just done and the noise of their friends in the background grows loud as ever, before they’re caught in another burst of contagious giggles. Renjun doesn’t even know why they’re laughing but he doesn’t even care.</p><p>Awkwardly, Jeno scratches the back of his neck and says, “I guess we’ve all kissed each other now.”</p><p><em>Huh</em>, Renjun thinks. They really have.</p><p>“Are we dating?” Jaemin asks brazenly before Renjun gets a chance to overthink, in classic Jaemin fashion. To that, Jeno takes not a second to respond, tone indifferent but cheeks colouring a rosy pink with the implications of Jaemin’s question: “I think I’d like that.” </p><p>“Me too.” Jaemin nods, as casually as if they were discussing the weather, even though Renjun’s positive his heart is about to beat out of his fucking chest.</p><p>“Me too.” Renjun finally breathes.</p><p>He suddenly feels lighter than he’s ever felt in his entire life.</p><p>-</p><p>They rejoin their friend group utterly soaked with their hair plastered to their foreheads, pink lips and stupid telltale grins taped on their faces. Needless to say, even though the majority of their friends are complete idiots, it’s glaringly obvious that something has changed between them. </p><p>So obvious that Yangyang immediately starts making suggestive facial expressions and hand gestures within a second of spotting them because he’s such a fucking <em>teenager</em>, Renjun thinks. Even Eunbin, high as ever, manages to pull a knowing smirk.</p><p>The three haven’t even spoken a single word, regardless had the time to confirm anything, but Donghyuck and Mark are looking at them like proud parents with fond smiles on their faces and Renjun wants the ground to swallow him before Donghyuck gets a chance to open his mouth.</p><p>Luckily, the bus arrives milliseconds before Donghyuck’s able to tear them apart with loving words and insults alike, and Yeji‘s slotting her arm through Renjun’s so they can get on together.</p><p>Yeeun and Jaemin end up deciding to catch the next bus that goes closer to her dorms so that Jaemin can walk her home in gratitude for her presence today. Renjun ignores the way his heart sinks at the thought of parting with his <em>boyfriend</em> early but just before he sets foot on the bus, Yeeun tugs at his sleeve to get his attention. Renjun turns and she awkwardly looks around, trying to find her words before smiling warmly. “I’m happy for you guys.”</p><p>Renjun goes home that day with a stupid smile tracing his lips and his fingers intertwined with Jeno’s.</p><p>-</p><p>From then on, it’s history. If he’d thought their relationship was fast paced before, now they’re progressing at what feels like lightning speed. </p><p>For starters, confronting the weird tension surrounding the three of them and finally claiming and solidifying their relationship felt fucking great, but honestly, it didn’t shift much. They’d already reached the stage of affection, cuddles and romantic gestures throughout their friendship and since their confessions, all that’s really changed is their openness about it. And they kiss now. They kiss a <em>lot</em>. It’s almost like they’re doing their best to make up for lost time.</p><p>Jeno’s become an apparent fan of surprise, one second kisses at random times during their day, even managing to catch Jaemin off guard occasionally. He’s shy and sweet, enjoys putting all of his effort and attention into their makeout sessions, making Renjun and Jaemin feel loved. He loves eye contact between kisses, waist grabs and tender smiles.</p><p>Jaemin on the other hand likes intensity and control but gives it up easily for Jeno. He likes biting and teasing, but melts when Jeno wraps his arms around him. He likes making Renjun and Jeno feel like they couldn’t live without him, kissing them in front of all of their friends and laughing afterwards.</p><p>It doesn’t take very long for Renjun to become accustomed to the different ways his two boyfriends behave when they’re in love.</p><p>As a friend, Jeno’s soft, kind, funny (even though Renjun will never admit that) and easily one of the best things that has ever happened to Renjun. As a lover, Jeno’s much the same except he’s also bashfully nervous - Renjun’s actually worried that Jaemin’s incessant flirting may cause Jeno’s poor heart to combust one of these days - he’s embarrassingly chivalrous and unexpectedly possessive; in a <em>good</em> way.</p><p>Most times Jeno barely even realises he’s doing it, but there’s always a warm palm atop Renjun’s thigh or a hand against Jaemin’s waist. Contrary to his actions, he’s always incredibly flustered whenever their assholes of friends point it out solely to embarrass him and Jaemin, of course, makes the most of his cute embarrassment.</p><p>As one would expect, Jaemin craves affection and intimacy at any given moment. Constant hugs and interlaced fingers, attractive winks and claims of love that make their hearts flutter because Jaemin is exempt from the emotion that is embarrassment so doesn’t have any qualms in doing whatever works to fluster them. He’s attuned to their emotions and is very caring, spending buckets of money on his boyfriends to make sure they’re happy, fed and cared for.</p><p> </p><p>The cravings are still there; on some days they’re almost unbearable and there’s almost nothing holding him from a relapse except for Jeno and Jaemin; Jaemin’s perception and ability to know exactly what to say and Jeno’s support and kindness. They make it so much easier. He knows he couldn’t do it without them.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>He’s lying in his mother’s lap, who’s working some moisturising serum that came with the shitty brown box dye he’d bought a week ago into his freshly coloured hair. The atmosphere is overly relaxing, his mother’s hands massaging the roots of his hair, tv quietly playing in the background and Renjun’s seconds from falling asleep. </p><p>Somehow, over the course of the past few days, his mother’s managed to piece together that something more than friendship is occurring between her son and his two best friends. ‘Mother’s intuition’ she’d called it.</p><p>“So, Jeno and Jaemin, huh?” His mother begins in <em>that</em> tone and Renjun knows what’s coming, groaning loudly andhiding his head in her lap. She laughs at him, a musical sound. </p><p>“What?” She asks innocently, but her eyes are glinting with a mischief he’s seen replicated in Chenle’s gaze. “I’m just a concerned parent!”</p><p>Renjun doesn’t signify that with a response, and his mom seems to take it as a cue to continue embarrassing her son. “If it helps, I really do like Jeno and Jaemin.”</p><p>A flush rapidly colours his cheeks because even though he knows there’s almost no one on the planet who <em>wouldn’t</em> like Jeno and Jaemin, it still makes him happy to know his mother approves. Ignoring the growing heat in his face, Renjun continues to assert his silent treatment to his mother’s joyous amusement, if her uncontrollable giggles give anything away. </p><p>However once his mother actually manages to stop laughing at his misery, the air changes slightly to something loaded and heavy, like an unspoken truth lay hanging above their heads. Renjun can’t place the cause of the sudden change in atmosphere until his mother speaks again, this time her voice strung out in a careful tone.</p><p>“All jokes aside, you’re delicate right now, baby.” She says softly, but the warning is clear to Renjun and for all of his pride, he finds himself forced to reckon with her words. He gets what she means by ‘delicate’, after all, he knows it was only yesterday on his way to the convenience store where he’d been massively triggered to use by just a couple bills of change in his hand. It was almost like muscle memory, the urge to spend any sliver of money he had on drugs, drugs, <em>drugs</em>.</p><p>He’s still got a long fucking way to go.</p><p>“I know, mom.” Renjun mumbles, half asleep. “We’re taking it slow.”</p><p>(His mother absolutely doesn’t need to know about Guanheng’s shitty tattoo job on the inside of each their bottom lips, reading their initials; <em>nrm</em>. Will they regret it later? Probably. Did they consider that at the time? Of course not; Jeno welling up at the pain was funny enough for them to forget.)</p><p>-</p><p>For all of his daily complaints about them, spending lunch sitting with their friends is generally an enjoyable experience for Renjun since they beat everybody else in school (not that the bar is set particularly high; Renjun still loves his friends), but it’s only enjoyable when they aren’t being utterly tormented by their friendship group. </p><p>Donghyuck’s voice is loud and carries across the cafeteria. “You fuckin’ owe me, Mark. And you too, Yuqi. I told you it was some kind of weird threesome thing.”</p><p>Multiple heads snap in their direction at his brash words and Renjun proceeds to whack Donghyuck on the shoulder with more force than probably necessary while Jeno flushes all the way down to his toes, probably. Meanwhile, Donghyuck doesn’t even possess the common decency to try and look guilty, a mischievous grin plastered across his face.</p><p>They fucking bet on them. On their <em>relationship</em>, Renjun realises as he watches Mark and Yuqi actually pull notes out of their pockets to Donghyuck’s visible glee, albeit reluctantly but still. Fuck his earlier sentiments, every day Renjun regrets his friend choices deeply; he’d rather be hanging out with anybody else but these guys.</p><p>They don’t even have the mercy to allow the rest of lunch to pass peacefully, Yukhei and Yuqi getting along for the first times in their lives solely to mock Renjun and Jeno’s entire existences, making exaggerated kissing noises and stupid faces meant to imitate one of the three. Renjun just swipes Yukei’s shitty energy drink in retaliation, ignoring his indignant whines.</p><p>(Their friends are further fuelled when they catch them kissing against the lockers between periods, and that’s how Renjun actually almost goes to jail for murder.)</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>Stuck on a skating rink, Renjun very quickly finds out that he can’t rollerblade to save his life. </p><p>Donghyuck’s laughing at him but he isn’t much fucking better and Jaemin isn’t even on the rink. Upon finding out about his plans to go out, Renjun’s mom forced him to bring Chenle and his best friend Jisung along, and they’re both whipping up storms on their wheels. As usual, Mark and Jeno are competing in some sort of athleticism speed contest.</p><p>The initial idea to go rollerblading was entirely Jeno and Mark’s idea, the perfect envision of physical activity and social interaction because it very clearly goes against their moral code to suggest a simple trip to the park or a group invite to see a film. Still, Renjun has to admit that this is a step in the right direction from the time Mark and Jeno dragged them all to an <em>athletics competition</em> as a ‘fun day out’. Needless to say, after that catastrophe they lost all event planning rights for a month.</p><p>Rollerblading proves to be equal parts fun and embarrassing; fun because he’s spending time with his boyfriends, his friends and his brother, embarrassing because said brother is a fucking hidden ace at rollerblading and is currently kicking his ass. In the distance, Donghyuck falls flat on his ass very loudly, startling the group into silence before Jisung begins laughing, triggering everyone else.</p><p>Renjun’s decided, Mark and Jeno do deserve to have their planning rights reinstated.</p><p>-</p><p>It started as a nagging thought, a baseless concern, stupid insecurity, but now Renjun knows he’s definitely not imagining it because Jaemin clearly sees it too.</p><p>Jeno’s been behaving strangely ever since he’d sat down on one of the benches to take a break from racing Mark, Chenle next to him and nursing his newfound addiction; crushed ice. Chenle tends to go through periods where he becomes fixated on certain foods and will eat little else, but the obsession his brother’s grown with crushed ice is becoming slightly concerning at this point, Renjun has to admit, to the extent where he’s started replacing drinking water with crushed ice. </p><p>His brother and his boyfriend get along well, mouths moving quickly as they chatter away to each other. Renjun can’t hear what they’re talking about from where he is, but he can see something change in the set in Jeno’s shoulders and the gaze in his eyes. The tension radiating from Jeno remains piercing for the rest of the night and Renjun keeps shooting questioning looks towards his brother, who shrugs in bewilderment every time.</p><p>“What did you say to him?” Renjun asks after cornering Chenle, immediately amending his tone to try and sound less accusing.</p><p>“Nothing! I just said he’s a good influence on you and Jaemin and he freaked on me!” Chenle whines in indignation and Renjun raises an eyebrow, confused. </p><p>Jeno’s generally a very calm, rational person and it typically takes a lot to shake him in the slightest so a meaningless comment like that causing him to behave so tersely doesn’t add up at all. Even as the night comes to an eventual end and everyone parts ways to go home, Jeno remains fidgety and closed off, backing out of their sleepover plan tonight with a false smile and a noncommittal reschedule, leaving Renjun and Jaemin to walk home alone. </p><p>Objectively, the scene is quite lovely; the street lights casting pretty reflections in the puddles beneath their feet and Jaemin’s hand is warm in Renjun’s, but he can’t stop <em>thinking</em>. He can’t stop thinking about the furrow in Jeno’s eyebrows and his slight but noticeable aversion to affection, Jaemin’s kisses and Renjun’s questions. </p><p>At least he’s currently got Jaemin to subside the worst of his worry, but Chenle’s gone to stay the night at Jisung’s house and his mom is working tonight so once he gets home, he’ll be totally alone with his thoughts, cravings and questions.</p><p><em>what did they do wrong?</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>First chap where Renjun hasn’t taken anything at all !!</p><p>What do you guys think about Renjun’s sobriety journey so far? Do you think this will work out for him?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Love. Friends. Family.</p><p>Drugs.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here’s an extra long chapter as the finale !!</p><p>tw: very slight mentions of death, self harm, abuse, suicide, mental illness (specifically bod) and conversion therapy. None of these are too intense/graphic I would hope.</p><p>Also for the full reading experience pls pls pls pls listen to Donny Hathaway’s A Song For You from line “Chenle turns sixteen during the summer and Jisung comes over to celebrate his birthday with him.” Until the end !!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jeno rarely ever talks about his old friends. </p><p>Renjun knows he’s definitely still in contact with them because sometimes when they’re together and Jeno’s distracted by his phone, he’ll peek over his shoulder and see his boyfriend engrossed in a lengthy texting conversation or smiling at an influx of group chat messages. </p><p>He’s always quick to revert his attention back to Renjun and Jaemin whenever they feel too lonely however, in order to smother them with kisses, so Renjun doesn’t really care all too much. Still, save for a couple names mentioned in passing and a few wild stories, Jeno keeps pretty tight lipped about his past experiences at his old school. </p><p>Sure, he’s slightly curious about what Jeno was like before moving here and getting involved with them and their drug related chaos; whether he’d dabbled in recreational substance use before (probably, he lived in the <em>city</em>), how many people he’d dated, whether he was as soft and sweet as he is now (Renjun suspects that’s something that never has, and never will change). </p><p>However, past natural curiosity, Renjun doesn’t really see the need to push too hard because he gets the sense that Jeno isn’t actively trying to keep anything serious from him. He just isn’t one to overshare.</p><p>To summarise everything Renjun knows about Jeno’s life when he still lived in the city; he was a good kid who craved a little excitement here and there, similar to the way he is now. One of the most profound things from his old life that Jeno likes to talk about was the colossal dance crew he was member of for three years. </p><p>He tells Renjun and Jaemin stories of competitions, practices, the friendships formed, how he’d likely be a completely different person had he never met his old members, that leaving them was the hardest aspect of being torn from his city boy lifestyle. Speaking from the perspective of a severe introvert when he’s sober, Renjun personally could not imagine being a single member out of almost twenty, let alone dancing with them every day.</p><p>It’s obvious that Jeno really loves them, up to now, often telling he and Jaemin with a whimsical smile tracing his lips that he’d love for them to meet his old friends. Renjun wholeheartedly agrees, he would love to get to know the crowd that can put that kind of expression on his boyfriend’s face with a mere passing thought.</p><p>Sometimes on specific days when Renjun spots that nostalgic expression lingering on Jeno’s face more than usual, typically accompanied by a glimmer of sadness, he  quietly wonders just how much his boyfriend misses his old life. His burning curiosity is sated soon enough, precisely a couple days after they go roller skating, when Jeno tells him at lunch that he’s planning to visit said old friends in the city this weekend.</p><p>And just like that, he’s gone. It’s jarring, almost like he has to adjust himself to life before Jeno moved here, and he can tell Jaemin feels it too. It’s suddenly horribly quiet everywhere he goes and he feels strangely incomplete, like a third of their whole has suddenly disappeared. Jeno’s gone to visit his friends for a <em>weekend</em>, Renjun shouldn’t be feeling this out of place, but something about his sudden departure and behaviour up until then leaves Renjun uncomfortably unsettled. </p><p>Up until the very last second before stepping on the train towards town, Jeno had still been behaving strangely, almost distant; subtlety avoiding the both of them and their advances, kisses, hugs, calls and texts. He wasn’t behaving so unnaturally that it was a cause for serious concern; he still picked up morning calls and sent short and sweet replies to goodnight texts, but the occasions where he ‘hadn’t heard his phone’ or ‘fallen asleep’ have been growing all the more frequent.</p><p>It’s been a day since then so Jeno must have arrived by now, and Renjun finds himself chronically wondering what Jeno’s doing in the inner city with his inner city friends. Renjun wonders if he’s high, drunk, crying, happy or angry. He also begins to wonder if he there’s a possibility that he mistakenly scared his boyfriend off with his relationship liability of an addiction. If the possibility of Jaemin getting arrested or killed at any moment made him uncomfortable, to breaking point. If the fact that Jaemin still deals to high schoolers like Renjun opposes his moral code and guilty conscience.</p><p>He wonders if it’s the fact that Renjun is still an addict, and will always be an addict, regardless of the fact that he’s sober right now. They’ll never be able to do teenager shit like get drunk or high for a night at a party because it’s never ends up being just one night with Renjun; he’s ever prone to binges. It doesn’t matter what it is, Renjun probably won’t want to put it down, especially if it’s the rare instance that it’s something he’s never meddled with before.</p><p>See, Renjun’s tried almost every fucking drug on the planet. There are the occasional few that just don’t agree with his system in the slightest and make him feel sick and nauseated rather than high, so therefore aren’t really for him, but on the other hand, a lot are right up his alley. Drugs he’ll willingly decline are admittedly far and few in between. </p><p>As he’s said, there are a few he just doesn’t have the energy to fuck with, like the hardcore shit his friends used to do at parties; drugs like heroin and meth because something tells him that there’s absolutely no hope for him if he even breathes near those. He’s seen a lot of people <em>die</em> from that stuff; gruesome, depressing, lonely deaths.</p><p>Renjun also doesn’t really mix well with drugs that fuck with his mind and senses, even though he used to be completely surrounded by people who got high off of acid and ecstasy a lot. He never really got involved with it nor saw the appeal because he hates the way MDMA makes him feel and he doesn’t like the things acid makes him see.</p><p>Apart from that, he’ll take anything that gets him a good high. He likes amphetamines, cocaine, ketamine, pain killers, sleeping pills, benzodiazepines; anything really. Honestly, Renjun’s probably one of the most qualified, well versed poly addicts out there. At his worst, it was almost like he’d wake up every day confused and armed with a new addiction.</p><p>But through it all, he’d stuck with opiates. Whether he’d popped a couple xanny bars, passed out then thrown up over the toilet, he was taking morphine an hour later, fuck the increased chances of an overdose. It wouldn’t happen to him, he used to think, he’s been this lucky so far. He could be on his death bed (quite literally) and he’d probably make time for opiates.</p><p>That’s why fentanyl was such a euphoric experience. Even now, he can’t begin to think about fentanyl without the cravings overcoming his entire being and if he lets things escalate, fentanyl will remain the only thing on his brain for the entire day. On days like that, he can think of little else but the poignant memory of the high, until he’s shaking and almost in tears from the agonising strain of holding back. It invades his every thought, crushes his entire being. He’d finally met his drug of choice, danced with the devil, and now he’s being tortured by evil temptation.</p><p>If it were just a year earlier, he’d probably be hooked by now, using within an inch of his life and sanity because when it comes to drugs, Renjun has literally never denied himself nor uttered the word no in his life until very recently. So as one would expect, he’s been in some pretty terrible situations. (Including but not limited to; going to school high as kite off of ketamine and passing out in the doorway of his psych class, stealing from his mother to feed his addiction, managing to narrowly escape finding himself in less than stellar and less than consensual sexual situations against his will because people love to try and take advantage of intoxicated teens. Nevertheless, he still went back to the drugs every time.)</p><p>To reiterate, Renjun likes benzos and he likes opiates. Everything else is just a mere party drug.</p><p>But as time passes, it becomes less of a party, the thrill thrumming in his veins thickening and souring until it turns into a routine he needs to feel alive, to stay alive. Then a Big Catastrophic Event occurs (namely, his overdose), throws him for a loop and makes him momentarily rethink all of his principles. </p><p>Sudden sobriety tends to force you to begin to relive all of the vivid memories of self caused havoc, chaos and embarrassment you’ve suppressed throughout your addiction for fear that you’ll despise the person you’ve become just as everybody else does. From then on you can choose to get sober for good, or you can do what Renjun did and succumb to the temptation yet again so you don’t have to face yourself.</p><p>So you use, become addicted again, hit rock bottom <em>again</em>, decide to quit and finally get sober. Then what? The original issue is still untreated only now, you know there is something that does help but you can't have it.</p><p>In many ways people are happy with their addiction. Renjun understands why; they're comfortable. They become content. Because deep down they know it’s easier than facing the bloody trail that awaits them at the hands of sobriety.</p><p>-</p><p>The unfortunate thing about depression when you’re experienced enough is that you can instantly recognise it approaching from a mile away. </p><p>The very first morning when Renjun opens his eyes and suddenly getting out of bed becomes the most severely unachievable task he’s ever attempted is an obvious signpost that life’s about to get really fucking hard, as is the first reoccurring thought of many that he’d much rather simply cease to exist than do whatever he finds himself currently doing or be wherever he currently is, whether it be studying, talking to a friend or lying wide awake at night, trying desperately to fall asleep and silence his rampaging thoughts.</p><p>It trains you to quickly recognise the inklings to a larger, foreboding problem you know all too well. That concept in itself is undoubtedly torturous, knowing what’s in the midst, looming over him like a shadowy menace and being utterly powerless to stop it. Renjun just has to accept that things are going to change for a while, like his childhood psychiatrist told him to all those years ago, way before he’d started to ‘self medicate’, for lack of better phrasing.</p><p>The past few days have been terribly unkind to him in a progressive manner, deteriorating Renjun into a shell of himself and simultaneously, a fragmented memory of a fifteen year old Renjun. The fifteen year old Renjun with no dreams, ambitions, desires or emotions that went past dazed numbness until he met sweet Valium, but this time there aren’t any drugs to steal him away, to silence the chaos in his head. So yeah, the past few days have been terribly unkind to Renjun and there’s nothing he can really do to make it stop.</p><p>But at the same time, they <em>haven’t</em>. Not even in the slightest. The events occurring within the days themselves have been perfectly average, almost painfully average, nothing out of the ordinary. </p><p>His mother hasn’t even picked up on any profound changes in his behaviour yet and her parental instincts are so stellar to the point that she’s almost terrifying. It’s all in his head; his inability to force himself out of bed, then the sheer lack of motivation to do anything except what he <em>has</em> to do - i.e; little else other than eat, sleep and use the toilet. </p><p>Jeno’s been gone for almost a full day and a half. He hasn’t sent a single text to Renjun or Jaemin even once since he’d left for the city on Friday, their phones transmitting radio silence, save for their frequent texts to each other but everything feels wrong when one of them is missing. Strangely, Jeno’s been posting on his social media accounts regularly and diligently updating his stories, uploading blurry selfies and shaky two second videos in dance studios, cafes and parties. </p><p>It’s all typical Jeno behaviour in typical Jeno settings but something is rubbing Renjun the wrong way about all of this, the suddenness of the trip, the lack of communication of their boyfriend’s side, and he has no idea how to feel about it (actually, he definitely does: strangely it’s quite similar to the way he’s been feeling ever since the week started.)</p><p>Renjun’s stuck now, falling helplessly into a spiral of pitiful self deprecation, where he’s liable to overanalyse each and every action he takes, every word he speaks, events that occurred years in the past that he regrets up to now, the live regrets that he creates everyday. He lies in bed for hours, just contemplating, until he’s successfully managed to convince himself that he’d done something wrong, that he’d ruined the atmosphere whether the situation happened yesterday, last month or last year.</p><p>-</p><p>It’s been three, long days and it’s not getting any better.</p><p>Completely defeated and demotivated, Renjun hasn’t been going to school under the guise of yet another cold but he can tell his mother is beginning to grow suspicious. She probably thinks he’s started using again; but Renjun doesn’t even have the energy to feel indignant in the slightest, he would probably race to that conclusion too if he was her, knowing him.</p><p>He’s been watching reruns of stupid reality shows on his laptop, bored out of his mind but chronically clicking to the next episode all the same because there’s nothing else he wants to do. To be fair, he doesn’t really want to be in a position where he’s watched twenty straight hours of pointless tv over a two day period either, but it beats literally everything else, that being, getting up.</p><p>A knock sounds on his door, light streaming in as it opens and Renjun realises that it’s the first time his room has seen a fragment of daylight in almost twenty four hours, meaning he hasn’t gotten up to pee or eat at all in that duration of time either. Huh, he hadn’t noticed. Tentatively, Chenle slides in through the crack, peeking his head around the corner. He looks nervous, Renjun notices.</p><p>“How’re you feeling?” Chenle asks, attempting to pull a comforting smile but it barely reaches his eyes. If Renjun could, he would laugh at the awkward expression on his brother’s face.</p><p>He closes his eyes, already drained from this interaction, “I think I’m coming down with the flu or something.”</p><p>Chenle hesitates like he’s torn between staying or leaving, “do you want me to get you something to drink or..”</p><p>“I’m good.”</p><p>At Renjun’s curt answer, Chenle hesitates once again, glancing around the room furtively as if he has something on his mind. He opens his mouth and takes a deep breath, before closing it and starting again, “are you sure it’s just the flu, Renjun?”</p><p>He means well, Renjun <em>knows</em> that Chenle means well but he can’t control the frustration growing in his chest because right now, the only thing he wants is to be left alone.</p><p>“Chenle, I need you to leave me alone, alright?” His tone comes out harsher than he’d evidently hoped and he winces when his brother turns on his heel, slamming the door shut without another word.</p><p>He drags a pillow over his face as his room is engulfed in darkness once again and wallows in regret, exhausted even though he hasn’t moved a muscle all day. See, when you remain in bed and in darkness for days on end because you’re in the worst depression of your entire life, it tends to fuck with your body clock and in Renjun’s case, stops him sleeping almost entirely.</p><p>He’d give anything to be able to fall asleep and just <em>forget</em> right now.</p><p>-</p><p>Jaemin comes over almost every day now because he personally doesn’t feel comfortable with Renjun being alone. </p><p>Honestly, Renjun appreciates it because he certainly helps sooth the torrent of emotions he’s being thrust into: the overwhelming lack of inhibitions he’s been struck with would’ve led to him doing a lot of things he’d probably come to regret without Jaemin’s constant presence. </p><p>Contrary to what one would expect, Jaemin isn’t invasive in the slightest; typically, he’ll come and open Renjun’s curtains, change his bedsheets and water his succulents for him, attempt at conversation but if Renjun doesn’t want to talk, they won’t talk. If Renjun doesn’t want to get up, he doesn’t have to. </p><p>Most of the time, Jaemin will come over and busy himself doing his own thing, sometimes he’ll sit at Renjun’s desk and complete his assignments or he’ll play video games. Sometimes, he hangs out and watches tv with Chenle or helps Renjun’s mom out with the cooking; it doesn’t matter what he’s doing, he just likes to be close. Admittedly, it took a very long time for Jaemin to overcome his guilt regarding Renjun’s overdose and to finally feel comfortable enough to allow himself to interact freely with his boyfriend’s family, though they aren’t aware of Jaemin’s exact occupation.</p><p>Jaemin’s presence also allows for Renjun to leave his room as little as possible, something he’s truly grateful for, especially when he’s stuck in this state of mind because the truth is, the last time he left the room, he didn’t exactly have the best experience.</p><p>-</p><p>“Sleeping all day? That’s quite the life.” </p><p>A reedy voice Renjun’s grown to fucking despise in just a record three days rings out in the room and Renjun pauses, exhales shakily through his nose and regards the man sitting at the table with his mother with a piercing glare.</p><p>Her new boyfriend.</p><p>See, Renjun had really tried his best to give him a fair chance, honestly. He and Chenle had even wholeheartedly supported his mom’s return to the dating field after so long without their dad, their only and top priority being her finding happiness once again, but Renjun can’t fucking stand this guy.</p><p>He’d only left his room to grab a bowl of cereal because he was so sure that if he didn’t eat now, he’d die of starvation and he’s instantly met with this fucker in his house, <em>again</em>.</p><p>“So, your mom tells me that you have a couple of new ‘best friends’.” He quotes obnoxiously with his hands, attempting to joke, but Renjun sees the disapproval lacing his features. Renjun quietly resists the urge to douse the man in milk and dash the bowl at him afterwards.</p><p>He raises a stiff eyebrow, “what’s that supposed to mean?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” The man laughs, but Renjun’s expression doesn’t change. “Why do you need so many ‘best friends’? Wouldn’t you rather have a girlfriend, amiright?” </p><p>Even Renjun’s mom’s eyes widen at the comment and her boyfriend just laughs, as if he’d told a hilarious joke. Renjun places the bowl down on the counter with a little more aggression than necessary, but today was a shit day and he fucking hates this man. </p><p>With a tight lipped smile, Renjun finally speaks, brain to mouth filter evidently out of service, “You know, I’m completely aware that you’re dating my mom, but we have no obligation to interact. So kindly, mind your business and go fuck yourself.”</p><p>In hindsight, that was probably a little too much. But hey, he was angry, for a plethora of different reasons. His mother’s expression is scandalised as she objects, telling him off for his foul language and ordering him to apologise as her boyfriend’s expression switches to one of aghast shock. Renjun sighs,  exasperated. “I sincerely apologise for telling you to go fuck yourself.”</p><p>His mom’s boyfriend waves a hand in mild acceptance, expression still twisted in surprise and offense which only serves to piss Renjun off even more and he doesn’t even try to conceal it this time.</p><p> </p><p>“What I really meant to say is that my mom can do better than you and I hate seeing you sit in the chair my dad sat at.”</p><p> </p><p>Air heavy with overwhelming tension, the room remains silent for a good thirty seconds; long enough for Renjun to slightly regret his word choice before his mother clears her throat loudly and murmurs a final “I think you should leave.”</p><p>Renjun’s barely even blinks, bowing respectfully just to be ironic and turning to leave before he realises that she wasn’t addressing him. Smug expression wiped clean off of his face, her boyfriend gapes stupidly for a few moments before he mutters some performative, disingenuous apology for whatever he did to offend Renjun, immediately grabbing his things and leaving, not without sending a clearly judgemental look towards Renjun.</p><p>Renjun, however, doesn’t stick around to wave him goodbye, heading towards his own room, fearful to experience the wrath of his mother because there’s absolutely no chance he’s getting away with that, however right he was.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>It’s still not getting any better. His soul is heavy, his mind is so understimulated, he feels more like a zombie than a human. He’s gone past the point of actual emotional response and he just feels so empty, so lost. At this point, Renjun isn’t even sure if he’s alive anymore. Everything just feels so fuzzy. This isn’t what being alive is supposed to feel like. You’re supposed to feel things, feel emotion. Renjun just feels like he‘s hovering between two worlds, existing but not simultaneously. He doesn’t have a purpose in either world.</p><p>By Monday, he’s craving for a party. Renjun never even enjoyed that scene in the first place; they’re unbearably uncomfortable, loud and filled with teenage assholes so he only ever went for the abundance of easy drugs but right now, he’s positively dying for the party itself too, the excitement, the atmosphere, the <em>high</em>. Renjun is a certified introvert but means certainly justify the end, and now, the temptation is great.</p><p>He’d do anything not to feel like this. Suddenly, a relapse seems worth it.</p><p>Throughout it all, Jeno doesn’t text.</p><p> </p><p>On Tuesday, he crashes yet again. He opens his eyes at two in the afternoon and instantly, he utterly loathes himself, to the point where he can’t bring himself to get up at all for the entire day. In the evening, Jaemin comes over and tries his best to pull him out of the depths, but not even he can help.</p><p> </p><p>On Wednesday, he’s suicidal. But Jeno texts, so there’s a good thing.</p><p> </p><p>On Thursday, the day he returns to school, he’s overcome by a burst of energy and completes all of his assignments in two hours. Jeno’s also acting normally again so Renjun’s mood instantly climbs by a soaring tenfold. He also manages to convince himself that he’s on a level superior to everyone else, and sees the bigger picture to life that everyone else is blind to.</p><p>(An hour later, he realises he was chatting the upmost bullshit.)</p><p> </p><p>On Friday, he breaks.</p><p> </p><p>The other thing about depression that no one warns you about is that it has a funny way of collapsing time into an unending, confusing blur signposted by random highlighted segments. They don’t tell you that you suddenly begin to find your days, weeks, months blending together messily to create on endless, suffocating loop. That you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy, in a desperate attempt to distinguish between moments in your life so the whole thing doesn’t slip through your fingers.</p><p>But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you any joy and if you do somehow remember it, it’s dull, meaningless. You’ll remember later but now, life just seems so vast and bleak, hopeless. You wonder how you could’ve mustered the energy to laugh, how you had the energy to interact with others. You wonder if there’s any reason to smile anymore, if you’ll ever find one again. Then eventually, all you can think about is how life has always been this way and will only continue to be this way. It might even get worse, who knows.</p><p>Renjun slides down the side of his bed, defeated, and he suddenly can’t even remember what he got up for in the first place. A single tear escapes and then he’s crying for real, for the first time in ages since he’s been trapped in a barrier of apathy and been completely unable to cry no matter how much he urged to. He’s curled up in a heap on the ground, floor wet with his tears and he can’t even think coherently, never mind muster up the energy to lift himself from the floor. He could have been there for seconds, minutes, hours but the next thing he knows, his mom is walking in. He didn’t even hear her knock.</p><p>She drops the laundry basket she’s holding as soon as she catches sight of her son collapsed on the floor and rushes to kneel in front of him, propping him up against the bed frame and cupping his face.</p><p>“Oh, baby.” She sighs sadly and Renjun can see the tears forming in her eyes as she glances around and takes in the disorderly state of her son’s room.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” He whispers an apology as she pulls him up to his feet, voice hoarse and dry from exertion. She doesn’t even hear him, busy trying to get him up and into the bathroom. His body won’t move. He’s just so tired.</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i’m sorry.</em>
</p><p>-</p><p>The bath water is warm and soothes the ache in Renjun’s throat he’d acquired from crying himself hoarse, and he realises that it’s nice being in a room outside of the same four walls he’s encased himself in for the past two weeks. His mother had run the bath for him like he was a child again, and now Renjun can hear her pulling off his old bedsheets and undertaking the great task of tidying his room.</p><p>With a empty sigh, Renjun brings his knees up to his chest, leaning the side of his face against the surface they make. His mind is blank as he stares at the white tiles opposite him, a heavy sensation dampening his mood, before his mother knocks on the door to remind him that he can’t stay in there forever.</p><p>Soon, Renjun finds himself sitting on his newly changed bedsheets as his mother stands beside him, towelling his hair dry, touch gentle and comforting. His room is devoid of the accumulation of clutter and dirty clothes he’s collected over the course of two weeks and the window is opened for the first time in days, a steady flow fresh air streaming inwards.</p><p>“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” His mother keeps whispering, and Renjun has a sneaking suspicion she might be attempting to comfort herself as well. “The fact that you didn’t turn back means you’re getting better.”</p><p>Renjun knows she’s talking about the drugs. Silently, he wallows in suffocating guilt over the powerful urges he’d been overcome with over the past few days. He’s not getting better, Renjun’s scared to admit, and if these episodes becomes a regular occurrence, there’s no chance he’ll abstain from the one thing he knows can make it stop, willpower be damned.</p><p> </p><p>As a child, Renjun had been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and OCD tendencies after his teachers had called home, concerned about some of the behaviours he’d been exhibiting at school. He’d only ever really been lightly medicated in order for his OCD to reach a manageable state but that was only a brief period of time as his symptoms had more or less resolved themselves with time. </p><p>A therapist he used to meet with frequently told his mom that these states were wax and wean, which provided her brief relief because it meant during the bad times, she could remind herself that there would be good times to come. But it also worked as a double edged sword because similarly, in good times, there would be bad times right around the corner.</p><p>The way Renjun sees it, it meant these feelings were fixed, constant and inescapable, effectively remaining with him for the rest of his life, especially now that he’s off the drugs. He doesn’t want to think about what that could mean for him. Breathing shakily, Renjun whispers, unconsciously seeing comfort and leaning against his mother’s stomach.</p><p>“Mom, I think I need to go back on medication.”</p><p>-</p><p>
  <strong>Jeno</strong><br/>
<em>you have no idea how much i’ve missed you.</em><br/>
<em>get well soon injunnie &lt;3</em>
</p><p>-</p><p>After a series of assessments, Renjun is officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. To be completely honest, Renjun’s probably the furthest thing from surprised; it explains literally <em>everything</em>, from his personality (ha, ironic), to the way he handles situations, why every situation is magnified through his lens, to why he’s so prone to outbursts. Apparently his previous anxiety diagnosis has been misjudged, as it was too early to tell and his borderline symptoms had developed with age.</p><p>The doctor also tells him that the only reason he hadn’t been experiencing severe borderline symptoms until now was because he was effectively self medicating and suppressing his issues with the drugs. Renjun had guessed that far. </p><p>It’s why people with mental health issues are so susceptible to becoming dangerously dependent on drugs. Being immediately stripped of a coping mechanism his brain has grown accustomed to sent him into overdrive, along with any other stressors in his life, and his body’s ability to regulate his hormones and emotions was suddenly at an all time low. </p><p>He leaves the doctor’s office with a new prescription of antidepressants on his record and a lollipop the receptionist had given him tucked in his pocket.</p><p>-</p><p>“Did I trigger you into falling?” </p><p>Jeno whispers, voice stuck in his throat. </p><p>They’re lying down on Renjun’s bed, facing each other. They’re so close; Renjun thinks he could count every one of Jeno’s pretty eyelashes like this.</p><p><em>No. Yes? Kind of? </em>“No! I’ve always been like this. The drugs were just suppressing it all.”</p><p>Jeno doesn’t seem to be satisfied with that answer but he doesn’t push it any further, instead wrapping his arms tighter around Renjun’s waist. Renjun checks his phone to see if Jaemin’s responded to any of their texts yet. He’ll be here in fifteen minutes, the response reads.</p><p><em>i’m sorry</em>, he hears Jeno faintly whisper into his ear.</p><p>-</p><p>Jeno’s mom left when he was little because she couldn’t handle the fact that her son was bisexual and she couldn’t do anything about it.</p><p>Initially, she tried very hard, Jeno told Renjun and Jaemin once over the phone. She ran to conversion therapy practically waving wads of money around, begging therapists to see her son, and Jeno’s clearly still very traumatised from those events, from the way his voice had shaken when he started talking about it. </p><p>At ten years old, he had his first session with the conversion therapist. Initially, it hadn’t even been that bad; they’d hidden their true intentions under the guise of a ‘wellness test’ (whatever that meant to a ten year old) so that Jeno would be more compliant and it actually worked at first. He’d willingly talked about his friends at school, the shows he loved to watch, the games he liked to play, but that was all before he met the other kids. The older kids. The kids who walked in welts on their wrists and backs from their parents after a couple unsuccessful sessions. The kids who had told him that they’ll never let him go until they make him <em>normal</em>.</p><p>At eleven years old, he’d tried to slit his wrists open because he’d seen the older kids do it to get out of participating. He didn’t even know what doing that meant. Needless to say, it’s very difficult to actually pierce skin with a blunt set of keys and he’d failed miserably, but at least he was discharged a month later on account of ‘<em>triumphing over the devil</em>’, whatever that meant. He’d just gotten a confession from the girl in the other class, but they’d celebrated as if it was Christmas.</p><p>Of course, he was still as interested in guys as ever and unable to handle that, his mother left, leaving him with his father and little sister. Jeno always thought he’d gotten the short end of the stick having to live with his mother while his sister lived with their father anyways. She never allowed him to interact with his sibling nor his father.</p><p>The point is, part of the reason why Jeno has such a strong aversion to alcohol is due to him watching his mother descend into severe alcoholism as her distaste for her son’s sexuality grew and Renjun’s only growing slightly concerned because has never seen neither Jeno nor Jaemin drink this much in his entire life.</p><p>It’s Halloween and they’re attending Donghyuck’s annual party, even though Renjun’s would rather not experience the temptation of drugs and alcohol so up close and personal but the event is admittedly too iconic and important to their friendship to miss out on.</p><p>The costumes this year are more cohesive and much less shameless than the ones sported by various guests last year; Jaemin and Mark are dressed as some sort of thief/detective combo from an anime they never stop talking about, Jeno’s pulling off a crown prince costume, Donghyuck isn’t dressed obnoxiously for once, clad in leather Micheal Jackson gear (the long straight wig paired with the hat is very <em>loud</em>, however, for lack of better adjective) and Renjun himself is dressed as a rendition of Peter Pan, costume chosen and designed by none other than the host of the party himself.</p><p>As soon as they’d arrived, Jeno and Jaemin had sourced the first bottle they’d laid eyes on and chugged a fifth of it each, to Renjun’s slight confusion. Neither of them are really drinkers for various reasons (those being Jeno’s obvious ones and the fact that Jaemin’s such a fucking stoner) but they could probably impress a seasoned alcoholic with the way they’re currently going. It’s almost as if they’re trying to out-drink each other and it would probably be funny if Renjun didn’t feel so strongly that something isn’t right.</p><p>Renjun knows what it looks like when somebody drinks because they’re trying to forget; he used to be an expert in that field. </p><p>Still, Renjun tries to enjoy himself, hanging around with a few friends he rarely gets to catch up with and posing for the pictures that Donghyuck keeps snapping but he finds his eyes constantly wandering back to his boyfriends, who are currently drunk off their asses and making out in the middle of the room. They’re getting progressively worse and Renjun’s becoming increasingly anxious.</p><p>He locks eyes with some random guy across the room who’s clearly intoxicated and for a split second, it’s like he’s looking directly at a mirror image of himself. He’s seen those eyes before; the unfocused stare, lidded eyes and tiny pupils, the emptiness, the insatiable desire for <em>more</em>. That second of realisation strikes an epiphany within Renjun and he questions why he’s even here, surrounded by clouds of weed he can’t smoke and lightweight teenagers throwing up in plants while he watches boyfriends lose sense over alcohol, avoiding the problems they’re obviously trying to hide and more importantly, avoiding him and each other.</p><p>Suddenly, the party becomes overwhelming and Donghyuck’s home feels minuscule, like the walls are rapidly closing in on him. He watches Jeno knock back countless shot after shot, each one triggering him to behave more brazenly than Renjun’s ever seen and watches Jaemin get high and drunk at the same time. </p><p>They’re not behaving like they usually do, somethings wrong; Renjun can see it in the dazed glint in their eyes. The temptation, anxiety and worry soon becomes overwhelming and Renjun can’t place the exact source but he feels like he’s beginning to panic. The air is becoming scarce, his heart feels like it’s jumping around in his chest but ceasing to function all at the same tine.</p><p>He hasn’t had one in almost two years.</p><p>No, longer, he hasn’t had a proper panic attack since his dad died.</p><p>Next thing he knows, he’s managed to source out a group of conked out teens offering him a plethora of deathly white pills Renjun assumes belong to the benzodiazepine family, an educated guess formed from the sight of their colouration and the fact that people don’t really do hard shit at house parties. He locks eyes with the medication and doesn’t even get a chance to question the morality of what he’s about to do, to realise that he’s erasing months of agonisingly hard work before he’s swallowing four of them. </p><p>The group surrounding him cheer and holler.</p><p>Renjun realises what he’s just done.</p><p>The second he downs the pills, he’s swamped by an overwhelming guilt he can even begin to describe, just before his stomach settles and his brain gradually hazes over. Given that they’re technically party drugs, the pills are most definitely corrupted with some other substance so the effect is ten times stronger and he almost falls asleep on the first couch he stumbles upon.</p><p>The functional part of Renjun’s brain curses when he makes eye contact with Jeno through the sliding glass door, who’s sitting beside Jaemin on a couch outside and his boyfriend starts beckoning him over to join him outside. Sluggishly, his feet begin to move completely without his permission, but inside his head, his thoughts bounce around with aggressive fervour. </p><p><em>He’s betrayed them</em>.</p><p>He slides the door to the garden open and the cool air raises tiny goosebumps on his face as he makes his way over. Once he gets close enough, Jeno just grabs his arm and pulls him to sit down, Renjun almost stumbling due to the sudden movement.</p><p>It’s almost the exact same scene as the first party of the school year, where he’d met Jeno for the first time. He’d been high the last time he’d sat beside Jaemin on this couch too. It’s the same atmosphere, booming music muffled from inside, couples making out around them, the same fog inside Renjun’s head and an amazing fucking view of the stars above them. In Renjun’s opinion, the only downside would probably be the fact that he just relapsed.</p><p>Jaemin drops his head to learn on Renjun’s shoulder, his newly dyed black hair tickling he underside of his chin, “Jeno’s telling me why he’s sad.” </p><p>Renjun’s heart stops instantly.</p><p>Jeno drunkenly shakes his head as if he’s physically trying to rid himself of his thoughts, muttering quietly. “It’s stupid. It’s selfish.”</p><p>Placing a soft hand upon Jeno’s, Jaemin reassures him, urging him to continue. Jeno inhales shakily, eyes misty with tears and intoxication. </p><p>“My mum drank herself to death a month before I moved here.” Renjun’s throat seizes and his eyes widen; he hadn’t known that, Jeno had always spoken of his mother as if she were still alive. Right now though, he looks lost, dejected, confused. “I despised that woman but I- I just fucking love you guys and I don’t want to be left feeling like it’s my fault again if one of you die.”</p><p>Jeno rests his head against the back of the couch, porcelain skin glinting in the light of the stars and his eyes locked on sky above them. Renjun thinks he sees a single tear cascade down the side of his boyfriend’s face. It’s obvious he blames himself for his mother’s death and everything that’s occurred since they all met. Renjun doesn’t know how to tell him it was never in his hands in the first place. </p><p>There’s silence, everyone just absorbing the information when Jaemin speaks suddenly. “I’m in trouble.”</p><p>Their eyebrows raise as continues, “Mouse threatened to kill me last week if I didn’t accept a fund of fentanyl. I was by myself so there was nothing I could even do about it.” </p><p>Through the haze, Renjun’s skin crawls at the mention of the creepy dealer. Even Jeno frowns and he’s never even met the guy.</p><p>“He gave me a bunch of it and now I have to sell it by Friday or I’m dead. I can’t go to the police because I’m a dealer and I’ll just get arrested. I can’t flush it because I need to pay him back double. I don’t know how many people I’ll send into addiction or overdose. But I don’t know what else to do.” Jaemin runs his hands through his black hair repeatedly, stressed.</p><p>Two of them are drunk and one of them is high, but suddenly they all feel very sober. It’s ironic, because if one of them were indeed sober, they would notice Renjun’s own intoxication. The guilt is eating him up alive, or would be if he wasn’t so stacked on benzos, but he doesn’t speak a word. He can’t speak. He can’t tell them what he’s just done. He doesn’t want to make anything worse for them. This will just be a one off situation. This won’t end as a relapse, he tells himself.</p><p>Somehow, even though they aren’t talking, there’s an acceptance in the air between the three of them, something that reads that everything will be okay, though it doesn’t feel like it right now. That even though they’ve all made some terrible fucking decisions, it can’t be helped now; all they can do is wait, stare at the stars and revel in the calm breeze.</p><p>-</p><p>Everyone in the church claps as Renjun’s mother takes the stage. </p><p>She looks beautiful, Renjun thinks. Pulling a sheet of paper out her pocket with her speech scribbled on it, she clears her throat, making eye contact with her son and smiling reassuringly, albeit a little nervously. Chenle’s somewhere in the audience too; they’d asked for family members to attend this week’s NA meeting and talk about their own perspectives, living in such close quarters with addicts. Renjun’s stomach has been turning with nerves since his mother started writing her speech four days ago.</p><p>Taeyong’s little brother was one of the first people to speak and he’d told much of the same story Taeyong had told Renjun on their first meeting. Now, it’s his mom’s turn. </p><p>The hall is dead silent when she starts. She’s surprisingly charismatic, a side Renjun’s never seen before. </p><p>“The thing about parenting is that there’s no manual that comes along with your baby. There’s no guide, no guardian angel directing you with instructions on how to make sure your child grows up to live the best life they possibly can.” </p><p>“If somebody had given me a chaptered book of future events the day Renjun was born, it would probably tell me things I already knew. That my son’s going to be funny, outgoing. That he’s going to make friends easily. That I’ll see it from a young age. It’ll tell me things I wouldn’t have expected; that he won’t be an easy child. That he’ll struggle, and in return, I’ll struggle too.”</p><p>“I’ll struggle to understand him. To understand what goes through his head. I won’t understand why I’ll have to fight to hold him in my arms, to tell him it’s okay.”</p><p>“More than anything however, I’ll fail to understand the panic attacks, the mood swings, the impulsiveness, the fear, the <em>rage</em>.” Renjun winces at being publicly reminded of the memories of last summer yet again. He’s still so ashamed of who he became.</p><p>“The tough part is, I’ll feel as helpless to help him as he does himself. I’ll make mistakes, I’ll look for help in people who aren’t helpful. The guilt will never leave me. But if I remain patient, I’ll begin to understand him more. We’ll have more of those rewarding moments I’ll wish could last forever.”</p><p><em>Fuck</em>, when did he start crying?</p><p>“But at the age of seventeen, my son will accidentally overdose. He’ll be in a coma for four long days where I won’t know if he’s even alive or not. Thankfully, he’ll wake up and be offered the opportunity to finally get clean. But I’ll have to understand that no matter what I say or do, the choice will be his.” </p><p>The entire speech leaves Renjun reeling with shivers wracking through his body but she locks eyes with Renjun as she speaks her final words and the the eye contact is encompassing, it feels like it reaches his <em>soul</em>.</p><p>“The choice is still yours, Renjun.”</p><p>
  <em>The choice is still yours.</em>
</p><p>-</p><p>Somehow, Renjun makes it to the winter formal. </p><p>In order to practice the techniques he’d learnt from his sister, Jeno had managed to convince his boyfriends to let him do their makeup for the dance. Strangely, he had positioned them to lie on their backs on his bed while he sat on their laps and applied glittery eyeshadow and moony shimmers across their lids, under eyes and cheeks. Upon looking in a mirror, Renjun has to admit that they look <em>good</em>.</p><p>Jaemin was in charge of their outfits and Renjun’s sole responsibility was actually attending the dance. It’s a big event, much awaited by every student at their school because the faculty always go all out to ensure they book the best venues with the best facilities and services. This year, the formal is held in a beautiful catering hall the school had forked out a small fortune to rent; purple lights casting dreamy glows on their skin, the glitter on their faces shimmering prettily as they move. There’s plastic stars hanging from the ceiling and glittery tassles magnifying the dreamlike sense of reality they’ve stumbled into.</p><p>They last about five minutes together before the crowd separates them, Jeno and Jaemin become stranded on the dance floor as Renjun  eventually takes a seat at a circular banquet table with some of his friends. The atmosphere is hazy, otherworldly.</p><p>Somehow, he’s found himself sitting next to Chaeyeon, the school’s cheer captain, and also opposite his friends; Elkie, Yeji, Donghyuck and Yukhei. They’re nursing fruit juices and watching the scene in front of them; gyrating bodies, glitter and screaming. The air among them is slightly subdued though they’re surrounded by obnoxious noise, even Yukhei’s demeanour has been muted since he separated from Yuqi. </p><p>“Do you think these are the big moments in life?” Chaeyeon suddenly says, staring wistfully into the distance, and everyone at the table turns to listen to her. “like, my mom always talks about how high school was this big monumental part of her life but I honestly can’t imagine being forty and missing this.”</p><p>“That’s probably because most people peak in high school.” Yeji says thoughtfully, causing the whole table to audibly agree with her.</p><p>Elkie scoffs, “I definitely haven’t peaked yet.”</p><p>Needless to say, Renjun can certainly fucking relate and the table also murmurs like affirmations until Donghyuck laughs, interrupting their existential crises, “I don’t know, I feel like I’m at one hundred percent peakness. But I could definitely get to one fifty.”</p><p>Leave it to Donghyuck to have himself figured out, rich and in a stable relationship with a top athlete while everybody else crashes and burns around him.</p><p>Renjun sighs, leaning back in his chair, “Honestly, I didn’t think I’d make it this far.”</p><p>Yukhei raises his eyebrows, “what do you mean?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I guess I just always had this overwhelming anxiety that something bad was going to happen.” Renjun definitely did not mean to delve this deep with that one statement and he does his best to retract any further information.</p><p>Shrugging, Chaeyeon admits, “In all fairness, there were like three weeks where I thought you were dead.”</p><p>Everyone laughs and Renjun wants to welcome her to the club. He’s been regularly attending school since the year started and he’s <em>still</em> getting ‘r.i.p’ messages on his inactive social media accounts.</p><p>“Okay, but he’s been sober for like three months.” Elkie interjects indignantly, grabbing Renjun’s arm in protest. He hasn’t, actually, but she doesn’t need to know that, Renjun thinks, remembering the events that transpired on Halloween.</p><p>Chaeyeon makes a strange expression, tone cautious. “Didn’t you get out of rehab way before that?”</p><p>Avoiding eye contact, Renjun mumbles something unintelligible before Yeji’s speaking this time, practically shouting over the music in order to be heard, “What if people are nostalgic about high school because it’s the last time they can dream in life?”</p><p>“After this it’s just bad jobs and bills, and bad husbands. Maybe I’m generalising but, I don’t know, do you guys get what I mean?”</p><p>“I kind of feel the opposite. I feel like high school’s just super suffocating.” Yukhei says and the group hums in contemplation but no one adds to the discussion any further and the conversation seems to end there. In all honesty however, Renjun wouldn’t have a clue because he’s immediately distracted by the sight of his boyfriends, who’ve found themselves on the dance floor in front of their table.</p><p>Renjun watches them dance to some sensual rnb song blasting from the speakers, holding  eye contact with Jaemin as the pair move together. It’s maddening, the sight of Jeno’s chiselled features highlighted by the glitter strewn across his face and the way their heads of black hair fall into both of their eyes, encapturing the alluring essence Renjun’s trapped within.</p><p>Eventually, the song ends and Renjun returns to planet earth as the pair break off from each other, beckoning him to follow them outside. Renjun stands immediately, ignoring the snorts of amusement coming from his friends.</p><p>They’re sitting outside on the steps leading up to the back entrance of the catering hall, and it’s yet again reminiscent of the party where he’d met Jeno for the first time.</p><p>They’re under the dark of the night sky, on the peripheral of chaos and music booms from inside but it’s different now; the three of them are totally sober, there’s no secrets hanging over the air above them and there’s no typical stench of drugs and alcohol wafting around from inside. Briefly, Renjun wonders if <em>this</em> is what the high school experience is supposed to resemble.</p><p>Jeno’s biting his lower lip as if he has something on his mind and Renjun leans softly on his shoulder, joining him in staring off into the distance. He asks, “What’s wrong?”</p><p>Unlike usual, Jeno doesn’t hesitate before he’s opening his mouth and the sincere words come tumbling out, “I meant it when I said I loved you guys. I know I’m not always emotionally available when you need me to be but I truly love the both of you.”</p><p>Renjun’s heart warms and his cheeks glow an embarrassing pink. They have all of their serious talks outside parties, he’s begun to notice. Swallowing nervously, Renjun seizes the opportunity to ask them the question that’s been plaguing him for months, triggered by Jeno’s statement. His voice comes out barely above a whisper, </p><p>“Do you wish I was different?”</p><p>The breeze is calm tonight but it does nothing to soothe the nervous beating of his heart. He’s not sure if he even wants to hear the answer. Jaemin’s quick to respond, however, resolutely shaking his head ‘no’, “If you were different, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. You’ve taught me so much, Injuunie.”</p><p>Jeno grabs his hand then caresses the side of his face, adding onto Jaemin’s sentiments. “Jaemin and I have realised that you’re probably going to relapse. You might have already relapsed.” The pills he’d taken at Halloween flash in his mind. Renjun almost winces at how easily Jeno’s seen through him. “It’s going to be a long, long journey. But we want to do it with you. Jaemin’s too deep in his business to give it up right now, but he’s trying. For you. For us.”</p><p>Tightening his grip on Jeno’s hand and interlacing his fingers with Jaemin’s, he closes his eyes and for the very first time, Renjun experiences genuine hope.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Renjun graduates sober and with amazing fucking grades. </p><p>He fully expects the raised eyebrows, he wouldn’t believe it either with the way the past three years of his life have unfolded. Honestly, he never even thought he’d survive long enough to see the end of high school; Renjun always thought he’d be in a casket by seventeen, and ironically, he almost saw that through. He’s pleased with himself, for lasting this long, achieving his diploma and finally making the people in his life proud for the first time in years.</p><p>Graduation comes and goes; Taeyong and Jaemin attend the ceremony unannounced, in the perfect timing to witness his mother utterly embarrass her son by sobbing loudly through the entire event, unable to compose herself even for the pictures. Looking back at them in the future will definitely be interesting, Renjun’s sure. If they weren’t such a monumental signpost of Renjun’s achievements, she’d probably incinerate them at the mere sight of her comical expressions.</p><p> </p><p>Soon enough, it’s summer all over again. It’s the first summer in two years that he’s spent outside, enjoying the weather and spending time with his family instead of being trapped in endless highs and suffocating parties. They’re messing about in Jeno’s pool when Renjun realises that they’ve known each other for about a year now, and promptly almost drowns when Jaemin seizes the opportunity to dunk his head under the water in his moment of idle shock.</p><p>Renjun gasps comically as he surfaces, splashing water in their directions but wasting no time on revenge, instead rushing towards them to kiss them both, laughing wildly as he lets them know of his revelations.</p><p>-</p><p>Chenle turns sixteen during the summer and Jisung comes over to celebrate his birthday with him. Renjun wishes he had a friend like Jisung when he was younger, someone to ground him and provide an escape when things became too hectic. He’s glad Chenle’s able to find solace in the way he’d desperately wished for when he was sixteen.</p><p>
  <em>Sixteen.</em>
</p><p>The pivotal age he was when he first tried drugs, when he’d helplessly gotten sucked into an endless abyss of bad habits and seething rage.</p><p>A few months older than Renjun was when their dad died.</p><p> </p><p>A year of constant beeping machines.</p><p> </p><p>The year where he’d had to learn to pick up the pieces after the beeping finally stopped. Walking into that room after they’d taken his father away was singlehandedly the most traumatising experience of Renjun’s entire life. It had been so empty, like he’d been dragged into another, ghostly dimension. The world instantly went black, despicable, hopeless. </p><p>The television was still running the same channel his father lay there watching day in and day out, but he wasn’t <em>there</em>. The man who’d understood, who’d given Renjun his single reason to wake up every day was being wheeled out of their home, lifeless and a blackened shadow of who he used to be. The two children had clung to the stretcher as if their lives had depended on it, weeping heartwrenchingly and attempting to hug his cold figure one last time, before they’d been ripped away and held back by the paramedics, because their mother couldn’t bear to remain in the same room as the body of the man she’d fallen in love with all of those years ago.</p><p>The only thing he remembers vividly from that fateful day after watching them take his father and their memories along with him, was picking up the lone maroon hoodie that lay strewn across the bed. The maroon one his father had owned for almost six years, the one Renjun used to steal when he was a child, though it went all the way down to his knees at the time. Renjun doesn’t even remember the last time he’d seen his father without it on before he got sick. </p><p>Pulling the sleeves on his body and throwing the hood up, he made his way through the dark hallways of his home, finally collapsing into his bed and curling up into a ball, basking in the painful scent of his father’s hoodie.</p><p>Their mother didn’t speak a word for days. She barely ate, barely moved from the bed she used to share with their father. Chenle barely spent any time at home because the environment forced him to relive each and every moment they’d spent as a complete family, to the point where their mother had eventually sent him to live temporarily with one of their aunts.</p><p>Renjun shudders as he thinks that he could’ve made them go through that a second time.</p><p> </p><p>A year of suffocating frustration.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“It was forty fucking dollars!” His voice is hoarse from screaming at the top of his lungs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Renjun’s mother stands with her hands firmly on her hips, tone sharp and piercing. “I don’t care how much it was, I’m not having you steal from me to buy drugs, Renjun!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chenle shoots up and tries to get between them as Renjun takes a step forward, arguing right in her face, antagonising her. By this time, his mother is screaming and so is Chenle, crying to hysterics and trying to defend his older brother, “Obviously there’s something wrong with him, mom, but he’s trying to get better!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Renjun can barely hear anything but the rushing of blood in his ears. The argument climaxes, voices raised until they break and his mom instinctively pushes him in the chest. Subconsciously, Renjun sees that she instantly regrets it, but it’s too late, he sees scalding red. In blinding rage, he grabs a frame from the windowsill and chucks it across the room, the sound of it shattering as it hits the opposite wall piercing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There’s utter silence for a few moments before Renjun’s mom is grabbing him roughly by the wrist and dragging him towards the front door, ignoring Chenle’s pleading and tearful protests. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Leave. Leave! Get out of my house, Renjun!” She screams, depositing him in the main hallway. She lets go off him and storms to his room, pulling clothes from hangers and throwing them in a messy heap in the hall in a fit of fury.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re fucking crazy, you make me wanna fucking leave!” Renjun calls after her, eyes wet with hot tears.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He’s haphazardly throwing his things in an overnight bag with the door wide open, hasty to escape the confines of his own home when he hears his mother’s voice, muffled through the walls, “I’m tired of you defending him.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chenle’s quick to argue, tone argumentative, “Do you think this helps?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It doesn’t matter. I’m tired. I’m done.” She sounds defeated and Renjun can hear the sound of her pacing around the front room. Chenle says something else Renjun can’t decipher due to distance, but his mom suddenly stops pacing and her tone is deathly cold, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Go after him. You wanna be like him so bad.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>(He ends up staying overnight at Mark’s house before his mom calls him to come home the next morning. They hug and cry the second Renjun unlocks the front door, both torn down by guilt.) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Renjun pulls his hoodie tighter around him as he unwillingly relives his traumas in Jaemin’s apartment. It’s grounding and comforting and provides recluse where he has none, partially fills the void in his heart that his father left even though it no longer smells like him.</p><p>He wears it everyday.</p><p>Jeno and Jaemin are distracted playing some game on the console and have no idea of what’s transpiring in Renjun’s head, but he’s hyper aware of Jeno’s hand that comes to rest on his thigh every time there’s a break in the match or the way Jaemin glances back at him every few moments to subconsciously check on him. They aren’t even doing anything special and they don’t have a single clue that Renjun is reliving the worst moments of his entire life but in that moment, Renjun truly feels cared for and it’s a deeper feeling than anything he’s ever known.</p><p>It sends him into a spiral and he suddenly finds himself rewinding the past year, their chance meeting, his sobriety journey, then he’s going further, to when he was a small child who couldn’t grasp the concept of his mother leaving him for five minutes to care for Chenle because he just felt so <em>alone</em> in those short moments and how everything has built up to lead to this insignificant moment.</p><p>He fucking loves them. He always will.</p><p>It’s like everything Renjun cares for flashes through his mind like a slideshow of memories, and he’s back where he started in that drama theatre, only, he isn’t being crushed by judgemental gazes and malicious whispers.</p><p>Love.</p><p>Friends.</p><p>Family.</p><p>Drugs.</p><p>All snippets of what makes him, <em>him</em>.</p><p>In short;<br/>
<em>Euphoria</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And there we have it. The end.</p><p>It’s not a Zendaya all for us performance, but I hope it’s close.</p><p>I’m so sad because I got so attached to this while writing it and now it’s over :((( But anyways, thank you sooo much for reading this entire thing, it means so much to me.</p><p>Also I’d love to hear your thoughts, critiques, theories, anything at all in the comments !!</p><p>(P.s, this will probably get a sequel bc like rue, Renjun’s sobriety is based almost entirely around nomin, meaning that it’s very unstable and as we’ve seen, he can very easily be triggered into a relapse if he were to lose either of them. Will probably write the sequel when euphoria season 2 comes out !!)</p><p>(Pp.s, after reaching the end of this journey, I realise that the first chapter is a hot mess. What was I doing afsfskksl ill fix it one day lol)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I just opened twt and cc accounts for this ao3 page !! pls follow lol</p><p>twt: temptedjihoon<br/>cc: https://curiouscat.me/temptedjihoon</p></blockquote></div></div>
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